As my phone rang without a caller ID, anxiety gripped me. My heart raced, and I stood frozen, knowing this call was significant. Why now? I wasn’t ready for this. I answered, and a woman from the assessment clinic informed me that my report was ready. A rush of emotions surged through me as I walked along a crowded street, having just finished work.
“Would you like to know the outcome over the phone?” she asked. Without thinking, I agreed, disregarding the bustling crowd around me.
She delivered the news: I had Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Tears filled my eyes—this revelation was overwhelming yet oddly relieving. I had long awaited confirmation of something that had haunted me for years.
After we hung up, I rushed to check my emails for the report. The first page stated plainly that I was autistic, and the tears continued to flow as I absorbed this new reality. Growing up, I had always felt like an outsider, especially as the only girl among brothers. The world was like an intricate performance that everyone else seemed to understand, while I struggled to keep up.
I had a loving family and one close friend, but school was a different story. The girls in my class sensed my differences and bullied me relentlessly. By the time I reached high school, I was angry and confused, feeling there was something inherently wrong with me. I learned to mask my true self, a skill that, while exhausting, allowed me to navigate social situations.
I became adept at mimicking social cues, studying facial expressions, and mastering the art of conversation. I wanted so desperately to connect and often felt envious of how easily my brothers made friends. By 14, I had a large circle of friends, but the emotional toll was heavy. My internal struggles began to manifest as fights and academic decline; I was burned out from the effort of fitting in.
After leaving school, I tried college but dropped out, feeling lost without the structure of friendships. I eventually found work, which provided a routine that kept me afloat. That’s when I met my husband, Alex. He was a comforting presence in my chaotic life, and for 14 years, he has supported me through ups and downs.
Despite having love and support, my mental health worsened. After the birth of my son in 2008, I retreated further into isolation. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD, I struggled through early motherhood, often feeling like a shell of myself. Medications offered little relief, and I felt trapped in a fog of numbness.
When my daughter was born in 2012, my anxiety intensified. I sought help, and a new therapist encouraged me to be myself, which became a turning point. Gradually, I removed toxic influences from my life and began exercising to manage my anxiety, although the gym was still daunting.
In 2016, my brother received an ASD diagnosis, and as my family learned about autism, I began to see parallels in my own experiences. I struggled with sensory overload, discomfort with physical touch, and social exhaustion. Initially, I dismissed these traits, thinking they were just part of my personality combined with anxiety.
However, after two years of relentless panic attacks and physical ailments, I finally broke down to my doctor and requested an autism assessment. I shared my struggles and how I identified with traits on the autism spectrum. He referred me to a specialized team, though the wait for an assessment felt agonizing.
While waiting, I took on a job as a Workplace Assessor for an autism charity, helping others find their potential while grappling with my own identity. I feared burdening my husband with my struggles, yet I knew I had to be honest.
The assessment process was daunting, but finally, I completed the necessary paperwork. With my long-awaited appointment approaching, I felt both terrified and relieved. Through this journey, I learned that I wasn’t alone, and there are resources available for those navigating similar paths, like those found at Johns Hopkins Medicine for pregnancy and home insemination, as well as Make a Mom for self insemination kits. You can also explore more about personal experiences at Home Insemination Kit.
In summary, my journey toward understanding my autism began unexpectedly, revealing a deeper understanding of myself and my experiences, ultimately leading to healing and acceptance.
Keyphrase: Discovering Autism After Marriage
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