By: Janelle Thompson
Updated: Feb. 2, 2020
Originally Published: Feb. 2, 2020
It often seems like society has an obsession with niceness. How many times have we been told to “be nice”? We constantly instruct our children to treat everyone well. Sure, being nice is essential—nobody enjoys dealing with a jerk. However, there exists a delicate balance between being genuinely kind and being overly accommodating. For far too long, I’ve leaned too heavily on the “nice” side. Now, I’m reassessing who is worthy of my kindness. I’ve discovered that withholding niceness from those who take it for granted brings me a lot more joy.
It’s important to differentiate between being nice, being kind, and simply being polite or respectful. You can be nice while being disrespectful, and conversely, you can treat someone with respect without being nice. Recognizing this difference is vital, especially if you’re exhausted from trying to please everyone. You can maintain politeness without going out of your way to be overly nice.
For me, kindness serves as a filter. Not everyone interprets honesty as an act of kindness. I strive to be truthful, but I sometimes come across as too direct. If others perceive that as impolite or unkind, that’s their perspective. The truth can sting, but speaking it isn’t inherently cruel. If being nice means suppressing my own feelings, I need to voice my concerns. It’s akin to that saying, “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
I spent a considerable amount of time grasping the essence of that quote. Often, I would go to great lengths to maintain harmony, knowing that if I didn’t, I’d be faced with unnecessary drama. I’m not one to embrace conflict, so avoiding it became my own form of self-sacrifice. Usually, the issues troubling me would simmer beneath the surface until they erupted.
Recently, I found myself embroiled in a significant dispute. It was a classic case of sacrificing my own peace for the comfort of others. A former acquaintance often portrayed themselves as an ally online, yet their actions told a different story. I could no longer ignore the dissonance between their claims and behavior. To me, practicing what you preach is essential, and if you fail to do so, I will call you out. And that’s exactly what I did.
This initial confrontation spiraled into a larger issue, leaving some mutual friends confused and upset. They couldn’t comprehend my bluntness because I’m typically known for my friendly demeanor. Although my approach was straightforward, I was never unkind. Some may argue that publicly addressing this person wasn’t nice, and that might be accurate. But it felt right. There are moments when honesty takes precedence over niceness. My former friend has a vast public platform, and through that, they misrepresented me as a mean person simply for urging them to improve. Asking someone to be a better ally isn’t a negative act, especially when done respectfully. The truly unkind behavior lies in their passive-aggressive tactics.
When they eventually approached me to resolve our differences, I calmly expressed that I was finished being nice just to maintain peace. This experience taught me a valuable lesson: instead of allowing others to push me to my limits, I should elevate my standards. My tolerance for disrespect has significantly decreased. In my quest to be nice, I had inadvertently permitted people to disrespect me. Whether intentional or not, exploiting my kindness is still disrespectful.
For ages, girls and women have been conditioned to be “nice.” The prevailing belief is that we must bend over backward to please others to get ahead. However, nobody seems to teach us how to set boundaries around our niceness. This is where things often go awry. In our pursuit of pleasing everyone, we often forget to treat ourselves with the same kindness. Recognizing and correcting this is one of the most challenging tasks. If we were taught how to advocate for ourselves, maybe we wouldn’t feel the need to abandon niceness. Women shouldn’t have to be harsh to ensure they are taken seriously.
My decision to stop being nice is more about standing up for myself than it is about my actions. When I say I’m done, I genuinely mean I’m finished allowing people to exploit my kindness. I’m reflecting on the life I want to lead. Those who show me disrespect or misuse my time don’t deserve my kindness. I’m reserving my niceness for those who truly earn it. If being more selective about the company I keep is perceived as unkindness, then so be it. Ultimately, I’m being kind to the person who deserves it most—myself.
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In summary, redefining what it means to be nice has allowed me to reclaim my happiness. The journey of self-advocacy begins by recognizing one’s worth and setting healthy boundaries.
Keyphrase: reclaiming kindness
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