A few weeks ago, my son, Noah, went on an exciting field trip to the state museum. When I arrived for pickup, his teacher approached me to share a heartwarming story. During the trip, the children were given stone shards to carve into arrowheads. Noah ended up with a particularly large piece, and when a little girl next to him expressed her hope for a similar shard, he immediately offered his. This moment made me proud; it reminded me that I am nurturing a child who instinctively embraces compassion and generosity. He finds joy in uplifting others and willingly shares, even at his own expense. I have no doubt that this small act will inspire her to one day extend kindness to someone else.
Noah has a naturally generous spirit. He is sensitive and empathetic, which sometimes leads to him feeling hurt or having difficulty expressing his emotions. For some, this might signal that he is too soft and in need of “tough love” to prepare for the harsh realities of life. However, I firmly reject that notion and refuse to impose it on my son.
I will not attempt to “toughen him up” for a world that can be unkind. As a child, I often heard the phrase “toughen up,” which was usually aimed at silencing my feelings about significant issues. Many of us have experienced having our emotions dismissed, and it never feels right.
I prioritize fostering a different conversation with my children. I’m not talking about allowing them to wallow for days over not getting the biggest slice of cake at a party. Instead, I encourage them to express their emotions—whether they’re feeling hurt, sad, angry, or even joyful. I believe in addressing feelings head-on and dealing with them in a constructive manner. Bottling emotions up only leads to resentment over time.
We can raise children who are kind, caring, and compassionate, teaching them that expressing their emotions is not a weakness. When we demonstrate kindness—by holding doors open, volunteering, donating to charity, or treating someone to lunch—we model compassionate behavior. Children absorb these lessons and remember them.
They also take note when we tell them to toughen up or shake off their feelings, no matter how minor we perceive their concerns to be. When they approach us with a problem, it’s crucial to acknowledge their feelings and help them through their struggles. Providing a safe space for emotional expression ensures they learn how to cope without suppressing their feelings. Just like any other skill, the more we practice processing emotions, the better we become at it.
Children will inevitably encounter hurt and challenges, which is one of the hardest aspects of parenting. I want my kids to learn to navigate these situations in a healthy way, without the notion that they need to endure pain stoically or that suppressing emotions is the “cool” thing to do. Teaching them that their feelings are valid is essential; otherwise, they may internalize shame about their emotions, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms later in life.
If children are consistently told to suppress their feelings, they may grow up lacking the ability to understand their own emotions, let alone empathize with others. This cycle inhibits their capacity for compassion.
When we nurture children who are willing to show love and understanding, we give the world a precious gift. It all begins with simple acts, like allowing the child next to them to have the larger arrowhead, simply out of kindness.
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Summary
In this article, I discuss the importance of allowing children to express their emotions rather than imposing the idea that they need to toughen up. I believe that fostering kindness and empathy in children is essential for their emotional well-being, and that addressing feelings openly leads to healthier coping mechanisms in adulthood.