It often begins with a glance. Sometimes it’s directed at my daughter, other times at me, or even at a nearby parent or child. The specifics of who receives the first judgmental stare don’t really matter; the essence of that look is always the same. It’s the unmistakable glare of judgment that arises when someone witnesses a child with autism behaving in ways that they deem “off,” “strange,” or “bad.” This scenario plays out repeatedly, in various places, and it can be disheartening.
During a family trip to Los Angeles, my five-year-old daughter and I decided to have a beach day—just the two of us. She absolutely loves the ocean, so we made a stop at a local coffee shop before heading out at sunrise to enjoy the peacefulness of an empty beach. Both of us are on the autism spectrum and have what is often classified as “high-functioning” autism, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome. To us, avoiding crowds is essential, as it helps mitigate overstimulation, anxiety, and the possibility of meltdowns. We’ve learned to navigate public spaces in ways that work for us, such as going out early.
However, the reality is that once you step into a public environment, avoiding interactions with others is nearly impossible. Although we usually manage to steer clear of crowded areas, it’s almost unavoidable to encounter individuals who pass judgment on our behavior. About 15 minutes into our beach outing, we were reminded of this fact.
It shouldn’t take my explanation of my daughter’s autism for someone to stop staring or speaking to her with condescension.
As we settled onto the sand, the first judgmental glance came from a mother walking with her two pre-teen sons. My daughter was joyfully darting back and forth between the ocean’s edge and our spot on the sand, flapping her arms and attempting cartwheels—expressing her delight in a way that made perfect sense to her, even if it seemed odd to onlookers.
“What is she…doing?” one of the boys asked loudly, pointing at my daughter.
“I don’t know,” the mother replied, shooting a look of disdain in my direction before asking, “Is she…okay? What’s going on?”
“She’s playing,” I replied, hoping to clarify.
“But is she…okay? Why is she making those…noises? And her hands are like…claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I said, trying to end the questioning quickly.
“Ohhh, I see,” she answered, her discomfort palpable. Satisfied with this revelation, she turned back to her son and whispered something I couldn’t catch as they continued their stroll down the coast.
This tendency to “figure out other people’s situations” based on fleeting moments is a frustrating norm in our society. It adds unnecessary stress to many lives—stress that could easily be avoided. Some individuals feel entitled to an explanation for why others act, talk, or live differently.
This issue transcends autism; it affects numerous groups. For instance, a parent of a child with ADHD might be pressured to justify their child’s behavior to a stranger while that child is struggling with emotional regulation. A person facing fertility challenges may be asked to explain why they had to leave a baby shower early. Even a Black girl could be questioned about her distress when a white child touches her hair out of “curiosity.”
If you were to compile each instance like this, the list would be extensive—longer than Santa’s Naughty/Nice List or a lengthy CVS receipt.
Navigating the nuances of every different situation can feel overwhelming. However, the simplest solution does not require us to understand everyone’s personal stories or have an encyclopedic knowledge of every disorder or disability.
Would it have been remarkable if that mother understood that my daughter’s “strange” behavior was a form of stimming, a common practice among those on the autism spectrum? Absolutely. It would have been fantastic if she had used her knowledge of Autism Spectrum Disorder to educate her son, portraying individuals with ASD as fully valid human beings with differently wired brains.
But here’s the reality: it wasn’t necessary for her to be an expert for our interaction to be positive. The most basic requirement in that moment was for her to express genuine empathy and kindness.
If I have to explain that my daughter is autistic for someone to show her kindness, they have already missed the mark. My daughter, like every individual, deserves basic kindness, irrespective of whether she seems “odd” or “different.” Being “weird” or “different” does not make one a target for ridicule or judgment.
A significant shift we can all make in our interactions is to establish kindness and empathy as our default approach. Instead of striving to “figure everyone out” and casting judgment on those we don’t understand, we could adopt a mindset of curiosity and compassion: “There may be something happening that I’m not aware of.”
Let’s prioritize kindness, y’all. Be. Kind.
For more insights on navigating parenting challenges, check out this related post on our blog here. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination options, visit Make A Mom. For excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, you can explore Healthline.
Summary
The article discusses the judgment faced by parents of children with autism in public spaces, emphasizing the importance of empathy and kindness. It highlights a personal experience at the beach where the author’s daughter faced scrutiny for her behavior, illustrating the need for a societal shift towards understanding and compassion rather than judgment.
Keyphrase: autism kindness awareness
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