By: Amanda Thompson
Updated: June 30, 2021
Originally Published: May 18, 2017
There was never a profound reason behind my decision to retain my maiden name after marriage. It simply felt like an unnecessary complication in the merging of our distinct lives.
Let me clarify: my choice to keep my name wasn’t a bold feminist declaration. I didn’t make this decision to challenge traditional norms, although I wholeheartedly support efforts to dismantle patriarchal structures. The truth is, I just didn’t see a compelling reason to change, so I didn’t.
My husband, Jake, was indifferent to the whole situation. We even had a lighthearted discussion about him adopting my last name or creating an entirely new surname for us. Our families weren’t exactly thrilled with that idea, but honestly, how cool would it have been to be the Thompsons or the Smiths? Our holiday cards would have been legendary!
As for tradition, I don’t believe that keeping my last name has altered my life in any significant way. I feel just as married and connected to Jake as anyone could. The day after our wedding, there was a subtle yet undeniable shift that I can’t quite describe—one that had nothing to do with the fact that we could finally share a bed at my parents’ house. Sure, I still get frustrated when he can’t find his things, and he rolls his eyes when I want to recount my entire life before 8 a.m. But isn’t that the essence of marriage?
My identity has long been intertwined with my name, so why change it? I’ve accomplished many things under this name: I made it through high school, graduated from college, learned not to overindulge in peppermint schnapps, earned a master’s degree in physical therapy, and relocated thousands of miles away from my family. My name has been my companion through all of that—and yes, it even accompanied me on a trip to Mexico, but that’s a story for another day.
“Doesn’t it bother you that your kids don’t share your last name?” a friend once asked.
Why would that be an issue? Would it make me feel less connected to them? They came from me; I was their primary source of nourishment for over a year. They say my name countless times each day, and my youngest is often attached to me like a little barnacle. I have to plead for just five minutes of peace. I doubt I could feel any closer to them unless we were literally glued together.
What about feeling like we don’t belong to the same family? Well, my sister and I don’t share the same last name either, yet we communicate almost every day about everything, from the mundane to the extraordinary. She remains just as much family to me as when we shared a surname.
And sure, there’s the concern about airline personnel mistaking me for a kidnapper. That thought does cross my mind occasionally. However, I’ve never faced any confusion while traveling with my children, enrolling them in school, or scheduling doctor’s appointments. In nearly two decades of marriage, it simply hasn’t been an issue.
It’s astonishing that half of Americans believe women should legally be required to adopt their husband’s last name. Why should it matter what others choose? If taking his last name feels right for you, do it. If you decide not to marry, that’s your right too. And if you want to live in Botswana while your partner remains in Florida and you connect through weekly video calls, go for it! The happiest people live life on their own terms.
So, if you’re planning a wedding and are uncertain about your last name, remember that it’s one of the least pressing matters you’ll face. Don’t let societal pressure dictate your choice, and know that you can always change your mind later. Reserve your energy for the important things, like teaching your partner how to put their clothes away or ensuring the toilet seat gets lowered.
And if your partner’s last name happens to be Bond, then by all means, change it—obviously.
For more information on related topics, check out this insightful post on at-home insemination kits and learn about options for pregnancy at NHS’s excellent resource. This topic is also thoroughly explored at Modern Family Blog.
In summary, keeping your last name after marriage is a personal choice that can reflect your identity and values. Whether you decide to change it or not, what truly matters is how you connect with your partner and family.