Over the past few weeks, I found myself wallowing in frustration. My child with special needs was having a tough time expressing their emotions and managing their anger. To be honest, I felt utterly defeated. My usual parenting strategies were falling short, and the stress was overwhelming.
People often suggested martial arts as a solution, claiming it builds discipline, respect, and confidence. Initially, I dismissed these suggestions, but curiosity led me to contact several local studios. Each one required a commitment of twice-weekly classes and participation in weekend tournaments. I stopped listening as the owners rambled on about belt rankings and group meditation. It made me wonder: is there really something wrong with my child that needs fixing through more activities, or are the expectations of parenting skewed?
A week later, while waiting in line at a local café, a couple behind us struck up a conversation with my eight-year-old daughter. When they asked what sports she was involved in, she mentioned taking drum lessons and previously playing basketball. “Really? No sports?” the man responded, while the woman continued to question my other kids about their extracurriculars.
My oldest said she wasn’t interested in sports. My son only cared about Paw Patrol, and my youngest, the typical fourth child, was engaging in none of the organized activities. Her primary pastime is trailing after her siblings—driving them a bit crazy in the process.
These interactions are typical in today’s parenting culture, which prioritizes endless extracurriculars. Every new parent I encounter—whether at the park, during school drop-offs, or at birthday parties—asks the same question: “What activities are your kids involved in?” This unspoken competition seems to revolve around who is doing the most for their children.
The role of parents has shifted dramatically; we’re now expected to raise not just good humans, but well-rounded, accomplished children. They need to identify their strengths early on and excel quickly, which is exhausting for everyone involved.
The pressure on kids—and by extension, on parents—to perform is relentless. They must always be “on,” whether participating as individuals or in teams. We’ve created complicated chore charts or sometimes forgo chores entirely. There’s little room for moderation; it’s all or nothing. Parents either want to mold their children into industrious, responsible beings or shield them from any inconvenience, believing they can learn domestic skills later in life.
Then there’s the infamous classroom behavior chart, where children must constantly maintain perfect conduct or face consequences. This public scrutiny for simply being human can be overwhelming.
When did we decide that children should be flawlessly composed while adults are often not held to the same standard? Why can’t kids receive praise for simply being average when that’s their best?
In our quest to ensure our children are the best—most well-behaved, most talented, most intelligent—we often overlook the amazing individuals they are right now. It feels like we’re in a cycle of striving for more, even when we know it’s unsustainable.
I too have felt the pull of this endless pursuit. As a parent of four, ranging from a toddler to a tween, I’ve been tempted to over-schedule their lives in the name of personal growth. Yes, I created a color-coded chore chart—one we’ve since abandoned. And I admit to feeling guilty when my child receives a note home from school for minor behavioral issues.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to raise a well-rounded child or allowing them to focus on a beloved activity. Today’s kids have access to a broader range of extracurricular options than we did, which can be a good thing. However, we must also avoid raising entitled kids who think the world owes them favors.
With the arrival of my fourth child, I realized we needed boundaries for the sake of our family dynamic. I made a conscious decision not to sweat the small stuff. Mistakes are part of growing up, and that’s completely fine. I instituted a one-activity-at-a-time rule, recognizing that while my oldest dreams of being a world-famous ballerina-gymnast-novelist-artist-baker, we simply can’t fit all those activities into our schedule or budget.
Living counter-culturally, my kids are not scheduled from dawn until dusk. They enjoy plenty of unstructured time to play outside or, shockingly, engage with their toys. We have leisurely Saturday mornings, complete with pancakes, and Sundays are for church, family dinners, and library visits.
Sometimes I question whether our slower pace is the right choice. Are we setting our kids up for failure? What if they don’t become driven go-getters? A meme I encountered recently helped alleviate some of that anxiety. It reminded me that my kids are already wonderful just as they are.
My oldest is organized, creative, and intuitive; she knows exactly what her little sister needs. My middle child is athletic, humorous, and considerate. My son is full of energy and empathy, while my youngest is a joyful source of laughter and affection. Yes, they have their moments—real life with four kids is never dull—but they’ve always been incredible, irrespective of their extracurricular commitments or daily behaviors.
As a parent, my ultimate goal is to raise good humans. Part of achieving that is recognizing and appreciating the amazing children they already are.
In Summary
While it’s natural to want the best for our children, we must remember to cherish who they are in the present instead of constantly pushing them for more achievement and accolades.
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