I recently found myself on break at work, engrossed in a thought-provoking article by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times. In her piece, she explores the transformations that occur within married couples over time. Her central message is that while we often assume the person we marry will remain unchanged, the reality is that we all evolve, and it’s crucial to embrace this inevitability.
One striking sentence caught my attention: “Several long-married individuals I know have said this exact line: ‘I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve just all been with the same person.’” I couldn’t help but relate, as my partner and I have also navigated through distinct phases in our relationship: the carefree days of our 20s, the family-focused years of our 30s, and now, the responsibilities of homeownership in our 40s.
When my partner, Lisa, and I first tied the knot, we were quite different individuals. Over the course of thirteen years, three children, and two college degrees each, transformation was inevitable. At 21, I was clueless about adult life: I didn’t know how to type, had never read a novel, and my main ambitions revolved around professional mountain biking and tattoos. Fast forward to now, and I hold a graduate degree, work at a university, have signed a book deal, and drive a minivan laden with cargo shorts and work polos. If my younger self were to meet me today, I imagine he would be quite confused—maybe even a little jealous.
Lisa has undergone her own remarkable changes. Back when we met, she had just earned her associate’s degree and was eager to start a family. Today, she holds a bachelor’s degree, works at an elementary school, and follows a vegetarian lifestyle.
Our journey together has been marked by these evolutions. We now share similar tastes in fashion and enjoy watching the same romantic comedies. However, as we transitioned from our 20s into our mid-30s, we occasionally found ourselves at odds, with one of us moving into a new phase before the other. Early in our marriage, I was still reveling in the social scene while Lisa was ready to settle down. This difference led to many arguments over my desire to attend concerts and hang out with friends instead of taking on my responsibilities as a husband and father.
Eventually, as I began to embrace my role, I shifted into the “finish college” phase, while Lisa focused on being present for our kids. Now, we’re both entrenched in the “homeownership and parenting” stage, having learned to navigate the challenges that come with it.
Reflecting on these changes, I realize how they have shaped our relationship. I once heard a TED Talk by Dan Gilbert, who shared that people often envision their future selves as static, yet those who are ten years older frequently remark on how much they’ve changed. Gilbert emphasizes that time is a transformative force, reshaping our values, preferences, and even our personalities.
This is a universal truth that plays out in marriage. When I married Lisa, I naively believed that we would remain essentially the same people throughout our lives. I anticipated some physical changes and shifts in style, but I underestimated how our core values and thought processes would evolve. Looking back, my priorities have shifted dramatically. I no longer fret about tattoos or concerts; instead, I focus on making mortgage payments and attending my son’s soccer games. The idea that the person you marry is a constant presence is a misconception; it’s one of the most misleading beliefs about early marriage.
I used to joke with my friends about the reality of long-term commitment, suggesting that it involves imagining your partner with gray hair and a little extra weight. But after over a decade of marriage, I’ve come to realize that it is far more complex. It means accepting and supporting changes, whether they involve your partner adopting new hobbies like knitting or running marathons, or even shifting their dietary preferences.
True love requires you to embrace these transformations and be willing to adapt. When I got married, I received a lot of advice about compromise and communication. I wish someone had emphasized that change is not only acceptable but necessary for personal growth. I might have had three distinct marriages with Lisa, but that’s completely normal.
Dan Gilbert concluded his TED Talk with a powerful notion: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” The only constant in life is change, and this holds true for marriage as well. If you’re interested in more insights on relationships and family dynamics, check out our post on the fertility journey.
In summary, the evolution of a marriage is a journey through various phases where both partners grow and adapt. Recognizing and accepting these changes can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.