Typically, when my child encounters a hurdle, I can swiftly devise a solution. My suggestions are usually embraced as valuable insight, and my children tend to follow through with my guidance successfully. After all, I’m a savvy mom brimming with great ideas to help my kids navigate any challenge. Cue the record scratch. But then my oldest reached the age of 12, and everything shifted.
Since my son turned twelve, I’ve noticed a gradual shift in how he reacts to my attempts to assist him. My once-welcome input has seemingly been relegated to the same forgotten place as his old action figures and toy planes. Dusts off shoulders. Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit. He still values my opinion—at least occasionally, since he sometimes asks for it. However, if I offer advice without him asking, it’s usually met with an eye roll or a retort about how he “just learned about this in school.” And to be fair, he often isn’t wrong.
This behavior is typical for tweens. My son is venturing into independence, and when he’s frustrated, the last thing he wants is for me to swoop in and save him. The challenge arises when he genuinely can’t tackle an issue on his own—when he’s overwhelmed and in need of support, but he doesn’t recognize it. These moments often occur during his advanced math homework, which has grown so complex that it’s beyond my comprehension.
In these situations, he becomes extremely frustrated, sometimes even pulling at his hair. I know he’s doubly upset, realizing that he feels alone in his struggle. When I suggest things like “Take a deep breath, you’ve got this,” or “Have you reached out to your friends in the same class?” it only amplifies his irritation. He snaps back that “No, he can’t do this” or “No, his friends are just as lost,” while slamming his fist down in frustration.
There have been times when his snappiness gets the better of me, and I respond with my own irritation, reminding him to adjust his attitude or face consequences. While I’m justified in wanting to discourage his outbursts, barking orders at him during these emotional moments is futile. He’s grappling with a rapidly changing brain that struggles to handle intense emotions. It’s not his fault that he can’t regain control; he still has lessons to learn, but he can’t absorb them when he’s in a heightened emotional state.
Fortunately, I’ve discovered a simple yet effective approach: four little words that have transformed our interactions during tough times: “How can I help?” I can’t take credit for this revelation. My close friend, a former clinical therapist who worked with children, suggested I try it. It truly works wonders.
By asking, “How can I help?” I empower my son to choose whether he wants assistance. Sometimes, he genuinely doesn’t want a solution and needs space to think things through alone. This question also allows him to define what kind of help he needs—perhaps he just wants a few moments of silence, or maybe he needs a snack or some supplies. He can even decline help if he prefers.
Just knowing I’m available for support provides comfort. It’s a bridge to independence; rather than imposing my solutions, I’m signaling that he’s not alone.
Last week, when my son was frustrated with his challenging algebra homework, I initially offered my usual suggestions, which only heightened his irritation. Then it hit me: “How can I help?” This time he did want assistance—he asked for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling the tension release from his shoulders. Though still frustrated, he returned to his work. I checked in ten minutes later, offered another hug, and reminded him to breathe deeply while bringing him a snack. He was calmer this time and focused enough to work through his tasks.
Next time I pose this question, he might seek my input or just prefer to navigate his challenges independently. It’s intriguing how, with tweens, allowing them space can sometimes draw them closer. My son craves independence but still needs me at times. Part of his growth is learning when he requires help and when he can manage on his own. My role is to respect his choices and give him the space to make them.
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Summary
In navigating the challenges of parenting a tween, asking “How can I help?” has proven to foster better communication and support. By allowing my son the autonomy to choose if and how he wants assistance, we both benefit from a more respectful and understanding relationship during challenging moments.
Keyphrase: parenting tweens
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