With my eldest at 5 years old, it has been quite some time since I marked New Year’s Eve in any meaningful way—six years, to be exact, filled with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and toddler chaos. However, this year was different; the kids went to their father’s house at 4 PM, leaving me with an unusual opportunity for solitude. I kicked off the evening with a long-overdue shower.
For the past couple of months, I had been in a dark place. Divorce mediation took place in October, followed by a hectic November filled with trial preparation that drained both my finances and my spirit. My attorney wheeled in a mountain of paperwork, and I now find myself part of the staggering statistic of Americans in credit card debt. A three-day trial in December capped off a tumultuous period. Did I mention only 5% of divorces actually make it to trial? Well, here I am, part of that unfortunate minority. The holidays were no better; I spent six days away from my kids before facing my first Christmas as a divorcée, which was more of a struggle than a celebration. To top it all off, another trial day loomed in January, a reminder that the financial fallout was far from over.
Yet, it was New Year’s Eve—a time to let go of the past and toast to new beginnings! I’ve always cherished this holiday, embracing change and the idea that for one night, we can toast, dance, and celebrate the possibility of a brighter future. It’s liberating to think that even if the next day brings us back to our familiar routines, for one night, we can let loose and believe that change is good.
As I stood in the warm water, I reflected on my past New Year’s Eves. The last significant one was back in 2008 when I was in Costa Rica. My husband and I had planned to attend a party on our hotel’s rooftop, but the electricity failed us. Instead, we sat in the dark, gazing at the stars and munching on an apple, while fireworks exploded in the distance. I remembered running into the ocean in a skirt, feeling carefree despite the challenges surrounding us. That was before our lives took a different turn.
In that shower, I allowed myself to confront the good memories I had with my ex-husband, Mark. It’s been easy to harbor anger over the years, but as I stood there, I realized, “Holy cow. I used to love him.” It felt like an alien thought, yet it brought a profound release. Suddenly, I felt a rush of sadness wash over me, as if every ounce of pent-up grief flowed down the drain with the water. I had been ignoring my broken heart for far too long.
The sadness hit me hard, forcing me to steady myself against the bathroom wall. I cried for two days and avoided showering again, afraid of confronting the ghost that lingered there. I didn’t go out to celebrate; instead, I opted for a simple midnight snack of a peanut butter, banana, and honey sandwich with some leftover bubbly. I watched Netflix, released a white Chinese lantern I had saved, and embraced the solitude. It was both painful and beautiful—cathartic and overwhelming all at once.
In that moment of vulnerability, I found something unexpected: forgiveness. Alongside the sadness came a wellspring of compassion for Mark, acknowledging that he, too, is flawed. I forgave him for the wrongs he had done and the hurtful words he said, even the lack of respect he showed me during our marriage. I found myself forgiving his parents for the way they treated me throughout the years, and I could even forgive myself for holding onto anger for so long.
This cleansing experience came from allowing myself to feel the depths of my pain. The painful truth is that I loved Mark, and he broke my heart, a reality that still aches. But, even with all the hurt, I realized I could be okay. The past is gone, today is a new day, and even if it’s not perfect, it can still be okay.
So, raising my imaginary martini glass, I toast to the possibilities. For just a little while, I will welcome change as an old friend, let go of the past, appreciate what I have, and look forward to a bright future.
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Summary:
This New Year’s Eve marked a turning point for Jessica as she reflected on her past and the love she once had for her ex-husband. In a cathartic shower, she confronted her emotions, allowing grief and forgiveness to wash over her. Embracing change, she toasted to new possibilities while recognizing her journey toward healing and acceptance.
Keyphrase: New Year’s Eve reflection
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