I recently came across the concept of giving my children “invisible trophies.” When they achieve something remarkable or face a challenge successfully, I reward them with these imaginary accolades. I’ll describe their beauty and the special inscriptions on them. This secret only known to parents makes them giggle with delight as they accept their awards. They would go to great lengths for these invisible trophies — even my nine-year-old.
This method resembles storytelling, a playful technique that reinforces positive behavior. Psychologist Deena Weisberg from Villanova University noted that stories often contain engaging elements that simple statements lack. The Inuit culture understands this well, utilizing narratives to instill lessons not just about discipline but also about managing emotions like anger.
The Inuit, as described by Inuulitsivik, are the original inhabitants of the North American Arctic, comprising approximately 40,000 individuals in Canada and 16,500 in the US. Their culture emphasizes the importance of controlling anger and other negative emotions. According to the Inuit from Utkuhikhalik and Qipisa Communities, showing anger is considered immature, foolish, and weak. Jean Briggs, a Harvard graduate student who immersed herself in Inuit life for 17 months during the 1970s, stated that no one ever expressed anger toward her, despite feeling it often.
The Inuit are renowned as one of the gentlest parenting cultures globally. They seldom, if ever, raise their voices at children. Richard Guy Condon, in his book Inuit Youth: Growth and Change in the American Arctic, revealed he encountered only one confirmed instance of physical punishment in three years of research. Misbehaving children are not labeled as “bad”; instead, they are viewed as children who “really can’t listen.” According to Learn Alberta, physical punishment and scolding are not seen as acceptable methods of discipline.
Inuit elders expressed amusement at the notion of yelling at small children. One elder remarked, “It will just make your own heart rate go up.” When little ones act out, it’s often a sign of underlying distress, and it becomes crucial to understand the root cause. Yelling is deemed demeaning, as it mirrors the child’s tantrum rather than guiding them. Clinical psychologist and author Laura Markham pointed out that such reactions teach children to be angry.
This approach starkly contrasts the typical Western methods of yelling, spanking, or time-outs. Instead, Inuit parents employ storytelling as a behavioral modification tool. When a child misbehaves, parents wait for everyone to calm down before addressing the issue. Only then do they reenact the scenario. If a child is tempted to misbehave, parents might say, “Don’t you like me?” or “Ow, that hurts!” I recall a mother encouraging a child to hit her with a pebble, saying, “Hit me! Go on! Hit me harder!” Afterward, she exclaimed, “OW! That hurts!”
This playful interaction, reminiscent of a scene from a movie, helps children learn emotional regulation through practice. Instead of scolding, they engage in play, fostering understanding of their feelings and appropriate responses. As Markham notes, “Play is their work. It’s how they learn about their world and experiences.”
Inuit storytelling can even extend to using cautionary tales that may horrify some Western parents. For instance, to deter a child from the ocean, instead of scolding, a parent might tell them about a sea monster that could carry them away. While it may seem extreme, these tales effectively keep children safe from real dangers. To ensure they wear their hats, parents might say the northern lights will snatch their heads off. “We were so scared,” giggled one Inuit child, highlighting how such stories enforce cultural norms.
While I might not embrace the idea of sea monsters, I recognize the value of addressing behavior calmly. By waiting until both parent and child are composed, we can teach emotional regulation in a nurturing environment.
In my family, I plan to evolve from invisible trophies to storytelling about misbehavior. While my children may be too old for doll reenactments, I can certainly incorporate other Inuit techniques. They could benefit from practicing self-control and learning appropriate coping mechanisms. This may also help me manage my own emotions in response to their behavior.
All in all, Inuit parenting seems far more effective than resorting to yelling.
This article was originally published on April 8, 2019.
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Summary
Inuit parenting emphasizes emotional regulation, storytelling, and gentle discipline, contrasting with more common Western methods. By using creative narratives and waiting for calm moments, Inuit parents help children learn appropriate behavior in a nurturing environment.
Keyphrase
Inuit parenting approach
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