By: Julia Thompson
Date: May 9, 2023
I have a tendency to overshare, often diving deep into conversations where brevity would suffice. It’s just part of my nature — I value transparency. However, this trait has sparked some intriguing discussions.
Recently, I was chatting with a new colleague, and as we exchanged small talk about family and travel, she asked about my marital status. I responded with my usual line: “I’m not married, but I maintain a relationship with my ex-husband. We’re together in our own way, just not under the same roof.”
Her reaction mirrored that of many others: confusion. It seems that people struggle to grasp this unconventional arrangement, and the generational gap only amplified her bewilderment.
Then she said, “That sounds like a complicated setup. Kids today face so much dysfunction. It’s like broken homes are the standard now with all these divorces; nobody stays together anymore.”
I abhor the term “dysfunctional” when it comes to family.
I also detest the label “broken” when used to describe a home.
This prompted me to ponder: how did we come to label divorced families as “dysfunctional”? It’s a rhetorical question, but my irritation persists.
The notion that divorce equates to dysfunction should not be perpetuated. Sure, there are moments during a divorce that may feel chaotic or painful, but those are fleeting emotions — not permanent descriptors for families.
These labels are damaging. While they may be less common now, as divorce becomes more prevalent, the words “dysfunctional” and “broken” should not apply to families that deviate from the idealized version of marriage.
My family isn’t dysfunctional. We’re not broken. My child deserves to understand that. If my ex-husband and I had stayed in our unhealthy marriage filled with conflict and unhappiness, wouldn’t that have been the true definition of brokenness? Wouldn’t that have been dysfunction?
Now, my child enjoys the benefit of having two loving parents, each with their own home. Yes, there are challenges to navigate, and we had our share of worries when we made this change. But at the end of the day, she thrives in a family that functions, regardless of the “divorce” label. We have not broken apart; we’ve simply adapted.
Hearts may have been bruised during the divorce process, but they are healing. Importantly, they won’t remain broken forever. So, let’s avoid labeling our families as broken. Our new reality is not dysfunctional. We must reject the unrealistic ideals of perfection about what families should look like and how they should operate. Perfection is a myth — we all know this. Let’s move past the stigma.
Everyone manages their circumstances out of necessity. Those of us who have experienced separation and divorce continue to function, even if the process is often messy and challenging. The reality is that even a traditional marriage might have had its ugly moments.
It’s about redefining family, not categorizing it as dysfunctional or broken.
We recognize that divorce impacts children, and as parents, we are acutely aware of this. However, we don’t need negative labels to highlight our struggles. We don’t want to perpetuate the misconception that we simply gave up on our marriages without a fight. Only we know the intricacies of our situations and the reasons behind our decisions.
This perspective also applies to divorced families who have since remarried or blended with stepchildren. These families are often vibrant and unique, even if they don’t fit the idyllic image of togetherness at soccer games or family outings wearing matching shirts. Each family functions to the best of its ability, and love prevails in every scenario.
Love for our children triumphs — always. Every choice we make centers around their well-being. The last thing we want is for them to be labeled as “broken” or “dysfunctional.”
Can we collectively strive for better understanding? Can we approach divorce situations with an objective lens and acknowledge that each family is doing the best they can? I may not be a child of divorce, but many of my friends who are have thrived and become remarkable, fully functional individuals. They’re not worse off for their experiences; they are not broken.
All families are beautiful. They are all distinct. They all have their own form of functionality. They don’t need to be perfect; they only need love.
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Summary
The article challenges the negative labels often associated with divorced families, such as “dysfunctional” and “broken.” The author emphasizes that while divorce is a complex and often painful process, it doesn’t define the integrity or functionality of a family. Instead, families can thrive in their new realities when love remains at the forefront.