Let’s face it—only women would willingly sign up for this kind of chaos.
Before diving in, let me acknowledge my advantages: I’m a white woman, well-educated, married, and living in a charming mountain town. I’m fortunate to have a career I enjoy. Yet, the reality of “having it all” paints a different picture.
Just the other day, I was strolling to my mailbox, feeling accomplished. I have a 3 1/2-year-old and just welcomed a newborn a month ago. Despite the whirlwind, I’ve been working non-stop, managing to cover all our family expenses and support my partner’s business. I’ve produced work I’m proud of, and I haven’t even mentioned my recent childbirth to anyone.
As I congratulated myself on these feats, a flood of embarrassment hit me—quite literally. I was wearing light-gray sweats, and let’s just say, the evidence was unmistakable. My neighbor waved as I stood there, mortified. By the time I got back home, it was conference call time, and I had to endure the discomfort of those pee-soaked pants for a while longer. Thankfully, my baby stayed quiet during the call but woke up screaming for food right after. So, there I was, stuck in pee pants for another half hour. A quick burp for the baby resulted in spit-up in my hair, which I simply clipped back—no time for a shower. With a change of pants, I was ready to tackle more work. Bring it on, world—I’m a strong woman, and I can handle it all!
At 5 p.m., my other child burst in, asking about the brownies I had promised. Of course, I hadn’t made them. Then, my husband inquired about dinner plans. I slung the baby onto my chest and headed downstairs to whip up dinner and brownies.
“Uh-oh,” I said, “I think I popped a stitch.”
“What? How do you know? Isn’t that bad?” my husband asked.
I shrugged, “It feels off, and yeah, probably, but what can I do about it?”
After a long-awaited shower, I was reminded by my doctor that my stitches were nearly dissolved but my body was still healing. I found myself back in bed, ice pack in place, baby feeding, and my laptop perched on my lap.
This month, I’ve barely left this room except for food runs. I took one day off to give birth. Let that sink in. Fortunately, there’s a bathroom attached.
Right in front of me, a mountain of laundry looms, and just two feet away sits a bag of dirty diapers that’s beginning to smell quite unpleasant.
Now, let me clarify—I am not a single mother. My partner, Mike, is more involved than many. I’m not scraping by on minimum wage or facing any significant disadvantages beyond the challenges of being a working mother in the U.S.
The issue here is that the concept of “having it all” has been grossly misinterpreted. The feminist movements of the past aimed to provide women with choices—not a relentless juggle of work and family life.
Want to have sex without the risk of pregnancy? Great! If you’re pregnant and feel you can’t raise a child, you should have the option to choose otherwise. Want a career? Go ahead! Prefer to stay home with kids? Fantastic! Want a mix of both? Awesome!
But the idea that we should do all of this simultaneously? That’s not what was intended. By that logic, single working moms have been “having it all” for years, yet they’re not celebrated as a model for women everywhere. Instead, society often views their situation as a struggle rather than a choice.
No one ever thought, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to rise at 5 a.m., prepare breakfast, get dressed, drop kids at daycare, work for ten hours, pick them up, make dinner, clean up, put them to bed, and work again until midnight—on just five hours of sleep?”
We’ve changed the narrative for women without altering the underlying systems. We expect women to feel grateful for the ability to work and have casual relationships without recognizing the increasing pressures and unrealistic expectations placed on them.
Today, women are told that they should aim for both a career and motherhood. If they don’t, they’re seen as lazy or not living up to their potential. Yet, they are also expected to do this without adequate support—no paid maternity leave, no affordable childcare, and often, no help from their partners because that would make them seem weak.
While companies are praised for providing egg-freezing options, they neglect to create environments that support women during their childbearing years, expecting them to simply “lean in.” As if it’s our fault for not taking the initiative.
It’s important to note, yes, men are parents too, and paternity leave matters. However, the physical realities of childbirth and new motherhood are often overlooked. It’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that women may require more recovery time than men.
This isn’t a critique of men; it’s a call for society to improve. I’ve faced more judgment from women regarding my parenting choices than from men, who tend to question my expertise rather than my reproductive decisions.
I don’t expect an easy path or believe I should have everything without trade-offs. But we need to stop perpetuating unrealistic fairy tales. The truth is, pursuing both a career and motherhood is possible, but it comes with sacrifices. You will often feel inadequate in both roles and receive little time off, especially in the early years.
If we want to redefine the narrative for women, we must also change societal norms. We should normalize the choice to remain childless, yet my friends without children frequently face inquiries about their decisions. We need to create a culture that respects women’s reproductive choices without incessant questions.
Equally, we need to make it acceptable for women to opt out of work without judgment. They shouldn’t feel pressured to constantly prove themselves as parents while running themselves ragged. A genuine sense of freedom should allow for leisurely afternoons with friends, without guilt.
Additionally, we must encourage women to opt in without the pressure to hide their pregnancy or juggle all responsibilities without acknowledgment of their new role. It should be understood that they can pursue ambitious projects without fear of being sidelined in their careers.
Support must be extended to all women, regardless of their background. The VP at a tech company deserves the same maternity leave and job security as a waitress. It’s essential to recognize that working is not a luxury for most mothers; it is a necessity.
This isn’t about special treatment or glorifying motherhood as the hardest job in the world. It’s about allowing women to be open about their pregnancies or to take necessary time off without jeopardizing their careers.
Let’s reshape the concept of “having it all” or, even better, let each woman define her own version of fulfillment. Reflecting on my first month as a mother and feeling proud for hiding my newborn’s existence is truly sad.
In summary, the struggle of “having it all” needs to be re-evaluated and redefined. Women should not have to sacrifice their well-being or face societal judgment for their choices, whether that means being a mother, focusing on their careers, or finding balance between the two.
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource at WomensHealth.gov. If you’re considering options for home insemination, you can explore the At-Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit, as well as the Impregnator At-Home Insemination Kit, which are both valuable resources.
Keyphrase: The Reality of “Having It All”
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]