A month ago, I welcomed my second child into the world through a scheduled C-section. As I lay on the operating table, excitement filled my mind, but then a wave of anxiety hit me. “What if ‘It’ happens again?” I quickly pushed the thought aside. I had prepared as best as I could—discussing my concerns with my doctor, exploring treatment options, and establishing a support system. But “It”—the term I use for postpartum depression and anxiety—loomed over me like a shadow.
Three years prior, my first child arrived in a less-than-ideal manner. Those early weeks were a roller coaster of new motherhood emotions, but then I experienced my first panic attack. What started as a single incident escalated into multiple attacks, sleepless nights, digestive issues, and tears that flowed freely throughout the day. One day, while driving home, I found myself in the U-turn lane, inexplicably heading away from my house. I felt an overwhelming urge to escape from my life, my husband, and my newborn daughter.
Guilt consumed me. Why couldn’t I be the joyful mother I envisioned? Why did I want to flee from my own life? Despite my background in mental health, where I could easily list the symptoms of anxiety and depression, I struggled to understand my own experiences.
After countless searches online, I finally found a description of postpartum anxiety that resonated deeply with me. I took the necessary steps—scheduled a doctor’s appointment, sought therapy, and started medication. However, it was much harder than I anticipated to follow my own advice and ask for help from those around me.
When I became pregnant again, I approached my doctor with honesty: “I’m expecting again, and I want to prevent a repeat of my previous experiences.” I made a plan to start medication after delivery, found a therapist, and ensured my support system was robust. I kept reminding myself, “You must prioritize your own well-being.”
But just six days postpartum, panic set in once more. I awoke to an attack, and the next morning was met with the same dread. I felt like I was back in the same dark place as before. “What kind of mother am I?” I questioned. “How can I feel this way after having a baby?” With tears in my eyes, I reached out to my doctor again, feeling a mix of shame and sorrow as I stared at my baby.
Fast forward to the present: while I’m not fully healed, I can see a glimmer of hope. Understanding the symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety is one thing; living through them is an entirely different challenge. These are genuine illnesses that can lead to feelings of hopelessness, self-doubt, and guilt. They demand treatment and compassion. It’s essential to recognize that these struggles do not define one’s worth as a mother or a person.
To anyone grappling with similar feelings, know that you are not alone. There’s no shame in seeking help. You deserve support, and asking for it will only make you stronger. To loved ones of those affected, your role is vital—offering a listening ear or simply being present can make a significant difference.
Lastly, to my own “It,” I may despise you, but you have taught me invaluable lessons about humility and the importance of seeking help. You’ve shown me the love and support that surrounds me, even in the darkest times.
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Summary
Postpartum panic attacks can be overwhelming and isolating, impacting the joy of new motherhood. Understanding and treating postpartum depression and anxiety is crucial. Seeking help is not a weakness; it is a step toward healing. Support from loved ones is essential, and recognizing these struggles as legitimate health issues can help break the stigma around them.
Keyphrase: postpartum panic attacks
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