Parenting is full of contradictions. We often find ourselves caught between the ideals we envisioned and the harsh realities we face. And then, there are the secrets—the unfiltered truths that many of us hesitate to voice.
When my first child, Oliver, arrived, I quickly discovered that some feelings and experiences were not meant to be shared. At my initial parenting class, our upbeat instructor encouraged us to share our thoughts about motherhood. One parent expressed her astonishment at the “overwhelming joy” she felt for her newborn. Another chimed in, marveling at how “her heart could expand with so much love.” Yet, when I admitted that it was “far more challenging than I anticipated,” I was met with silence and puzzled expressions.
Over the years, I have come to realize that there are many emotions we harbor but feel compelled to conceal. Society seems to expect us to uphold certain ideals about parenthood, but I refuse to play along anymore. I’m done pretending. I’m tired of feeling isolated. And if no one else will say it, I will: I have no clue what I’m doing.
Before becoming a parent, I naively believed that, despite the challenges, parenting would come to me naturally. I thought my education and supportive partner would see me through. I assumed I would instinctively know the right choices, and if not, I could rely on the plethora of parenting books and advice columns available. Armed with this confidence, I felt ready to tackle any parenting hurdle.
What I didn’t expect was the sleepless nights spent worrying over decisions—from feeding choices to discipline strategies. I never realized how often I would find myself internally screaming, “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!”
Should I breastfeed or use formula? Should I let my baby cry it out or co-sleep? How much structure should I enforce? What about extracurricular activities? And my oldest is only eleven; I shudder at the complexities the teenage years will bring. More than once, I’ve thought, “They never warn you about this,” as I navigate uncharted territory.
Children don’t come with instruction manuals, and even if they did, every family’s situation is unique, making any guide pretty much useless. We’re all learning as we go. Yet instead of embracing this uncertainty, we often keep it to ourselves, second-guessing every choice we make. We may even offer unsolicited advice in a desperate bid for validation for our decisions.
One of the most unexpected challenges of parenting has been the profound loneliness I’ve experienced. When Oliver was born, I was surprised that I could feel so isolated, even in a house full of people. It was as if I were marooned on a deserted island, with few people (other than my partner, Jake) who truly understood my struggles.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can break the silence. We can share our stories, lend each other support, and address the unspoken truths of parenthood. We must stop hiding our feelings and admit that we’ve all felt lost at times.
Let’s embrace honesty and acknowledge our shared fears. Because even when we feel completely unprepared, our kids are thriving. They are truly remarkable, despite our uncertainties.
This article originally appeared on Feb. 26, 2021. For more insights into parenting and fertility, check out this article on our other blog posts. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for home insemination, this resource offers expert knowledge on the subject. For comprehensive information on pregnancy, you can visit Healthline.