As a soon-to-be mother and a proud feminist, I entered parenthood with high hopes for an equal partnership with my husband, Jake. Fast forward four years, and I found myself taking on the majority of parenting and household responsibilities while juggling several part-time jobs just to make a full-time income.
Though women often apologize too frequently, I had to admit that this tangled situation was largely of my own making. I regretted not having more open conversations with Jake and was concerned that our son, Sam, might grow up believing that women single-handedly manage households.
What is a Go-To Parent?
So, what exactly is a Go-To Parent? This is the person daycare calls when a child falls ill, even if the other parent works just down the street. It’s the parent who ensures that their kid’s favorite pajamas are clean for “pajama day” at school. In legal terms, this role is referred to as the “primary custodial parent,” but in everyday life, it’s the individual shouldering most of the child-related tasks and household chores. Unfortunately, that individual was me.
I carried Sam through pregnancy and attempted breastfeeding, two realms where I felt confident. After his first birthday, we should have resumed a more balanced sharing of responsibilities. Yet, I found myself emailing teachers, RSVPing for birthday parties, and stocking up on clothes during sales. I was managing all the emotional labor involved in parenting.
Sure, Jake took Sam for bike rides and helped with bedtime routines, but there’s a stark difference between enjoying quality time and handling the bulk of the mundane tasks during work hours. One day, when Sam proudly declared, “Daddy is a professor,” I asked him what I did. He cheerfully replied, “My mommy.” While I love being his mommy, I also wanted to be recognized as a writer and teacher.
Frustration began to bubble beneath the surface. It wasn’t just the exhaustion of that first year, particularly with a C-section recovery and a sleepless baby, but also feelings of resentment towards Jake for his professional achievements. While I managed to write some poetry and present at conferences, my career wasn’t advancing alongside his. What if I could dedicate more time to my writing and even boost my earnings despite the so-called motherhood penalty?
At this point, both in our forties, we were no strangers to adult life. We had thrived as independent individuals before marriage and supported each other through thick and thin. So why was I continually stepping in to take over tasks when Jake offered to help?
After Sam went to bed (which was always far too late), the disagreements escalated. One night, Jake asked, “What do you want me to do to share my part?” For the first time, I truly listened.
As tempting as it was to cling to the victim role, Jake had a point. Whenever he suggested tackling the laundry, I insisted I could handle it. When he offered to wash the dishes, I would say I would finish my tasks first. I had become so accustomed to managing everything that I couldn’t let go. Did I take so much pride in doing the laundry that I was unwilling to share the load? Was I really excited to scrub the burnt edges off the cookware?
Was I conforming to societal expectations of motherhood? Was “society” going to knock on my door to check if the dishwasher was emptied, or would my poetry ever gain an audience?
The painful truth? Communication—the cornerstone of any relationship—was also crucial after becoming parents. It was time to reconnect. We needed to communicate openly and with empathy. After ten years together, we had neglected this essential aspect.
Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, reminds us that “compassion enters our communication the moment we begin to see where the other person is coming from.” It was time to remember why we chose each other and to work together.
We decided to sit down and lay out a plan in our shared electronic calendar. Each of us would work late one night a week, share the laundry and grocery shopping, and coordinate purchasing household necessities. I would aim for more writing residencies, while he would cut back on conferences. We even decided to schedule more date nights to rekindle our connection.
Suddenly, the optimism returned.
Resources for Navigating Parenthood
In closing, if you’re navigating the complexities of parenting, consider exploring resources about fertility and home insemination, such as those found at Make a Mom and Healthline. Additionally, BabyMaker’s Home Insemination Kit might be an excellent option for those looking to expand their family.
Summary
This article reflects a mother’s journey from being the primary caregiver to recognizing the importance of communication and shared responsibilities in parenting. Through open dialogue and planning, she and her partner worked to balance their roles, allowing both to thrive in their personal and professional lives.
Keyphrase: Go-To Parent
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]