We are fortunate to have two daughters on the autism spectrum, each navigating their social worlds in remarkably different ways.
For many years prior to Zoe’s diagnosis, I heard comments like “she’s just shy” or “she’s quite serious.” Large gatherings often overwhelmed her; she would shy away from noisy environments and take her time to warm up to new faces. Zoe is often seen as an introvert, exhibiting little affection, but when she does show warmth, it’s simply heartwarming.
Zoe has consistently found it challenging to forge friendships. I vividly recall a moment when she was four, two years before her diagnosis, coming home from kindergarten puzzled as to why a classmate wanted to hold her hand during a song. When I asked her why she resisted, she replied, “Because I don’t know her. If I don’t know her well, I don’t want her touching me.” Fair enough, I thought.
In stark contrast, my other daughter, Mia, has a much different personality. Prior to her diagnosis, I was told she couldn’t possibly be autistic because she was “too social.” Mia thrives on human interaction; she would often approach strangers at the library, asking them to read her stories. She is incredibly affectionate and loves to cuddle. Making friends comes naturally to her, and her warm disposition endears her to everyone she meets.
These two girls, so different in their personalities, are both on the autism spectrum. How is this possible? The answer lies in understanding that introversion and extroversion have no bearing on autism itself.
Think of it like handedness. While Zoe grapples with the nuances of friendship, Mia has difficulty grasping appropriate social behaviors and respecting personal space. Zoe sees friendships as a complicated landscape filled with confusing rules, while Mia might not yet comprehend that approaching a stranger and sitting in their lap isn’t always appropriate.
Neurotypical individuals often navigate everyday social interactions effortlessly—understanding how to comfort someone who’s sad or what to say when receiving a compliment. For those on the spectrum, these seemingly simple tasks can demand considerable effort and thought.
Teaching social norms is a delicate process that requires patience. For Zoe, “comic strip conversations” can effectively illustrate social scenarios, helping her understand others’ emotions. I’ve also found helpful resources that simplify social interactions and provide her with tools she can use when needed.
With Mia, we focus on recognizing emotions and facial expressions, exploring how our words can impact others’ feelings. Shows like Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood serve as invaluable educational tools, offering social stories on everything from mealtime to managing feelings. They even have a great app that delves into feelings too!
We’ve also used hula hoops to create a visual representation of personal space, which has been particularly effective during outdoor meals.
Being “shy” or “outgoing” does not define autism. Individuals on the spectrum can embody both traits. If only society would recognize the fallacies surrounding autism.
I see you, girls. You both are truly remarkable.
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