Just ten days prior, I discovered I was pregnant. While the news came as a surprise since it wasn’t planned, excitement filled the air. We had just begun sharing the news with family and close friends. My partner was busy searching for baby names the night before, and I was brainstorming creative ways to announce it to our kids, especially with Christmas approaching. We even considered using Elf on the Shelf for the big reveal. We hoped for a boy, envisioning the two brothers playing football together in the future.
Then, in an instant, everything changed. I started bleeding. Heavily.
I confided in my partner the next morning and decided to contact the clinic as soon as they opened. I called. I cried. I insisted we see a doctor to understand what was happening. As we drove to the clinic, silence hung between us until I broke down, sobbing, “I’m sorry, love. Maybe I didn’t want this bad enough. Maybe that’s why this is happening.” Despite knowing the loss wasn’t my fault, guilt consumed me.
After a blood test, my midwife reported low hCG levels, indicating I was likely miscarrying. She scheduled another blood test for later that week. Back home, I desperately longed for a shower, hoping to wash away the day’s pain. But as the water flowed, I saw the blood swirling down the drain. I wept. Was that my baby disappearing like this? I just wanted it to end—I hoped this was a nightmare.
Two days later, I returned to the doctor for another blood test. My hCG levels had risen slightly, which was unexpected. My midwife explained that if I were miscarrying, my numbers should have dropped. Confusion clouded my mind. I had been processing the idea of loss, and now a glimmer of hope emerged. Maybe we would keep this baby after all! Throughout the weekend, I oscillated between despair and cautious optimism. Should I still look up baby names? How would I tell the kids?
On Monday, my hCG levels rose again. Good news, right? But the doctor explained that they needed to double every 48 hours, and mine had only increased slightly. An ultrasound was ordered for the following day to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.
After the ultrasound, I met with my midwife, who delivered the heartbreaking news: no signs of an ectopic pregnancy, but nothing in my uterus. “So, no baby?” I asked, feeling the weight of despair settle over me. “Right, no baby. You likely miscarried,” she confirmed.
I cried again, feeling the finality of it all. The next week, on my way to work, I experienced intense cramping that made it hard to walk or drive. I called the hospital, and my nurse advised me to head to the Emergency Room. There, they ran tests and an ultrasound revealed a tennis ball-sized mass in my left fallopian tube. Wait, what?! The previous week they found nothing, and now there was this alarming mass. The doctor informed me that I needed emergency surgery due to its size.
In that moment, sitting in the ER with my partner, everything changed again. On September 19th, at just over eight weeks pregnant, I lost my baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. The emotional and physical pain has been overwhelming. I long to cry and mourn this loss, but the incision in my abdomen makes it difficult to express my grief. I wish I had someone to talk to who understands this nightmare. I lean on the support of friends, family, and my partner, who is also hurting.
I wish it were all a dream, that I could wake up and return to “normal.” But this is my new reality. I carry a constant reminder of that tragic day. Every time I dress or shower, I see the scar, a daily reminder of my loss. Pink or blue? We never got the chance to find out. Our hearts are shattered as we mourn the child we never met.
If you’re navigating similar experiences, it’s essential to seek support and information. Resources like Make a Mom’s Baby Maker and Cryobaby provide valuable insights into home insemination. Additionally, Healthline offers excellent information on pregnancy and related topics.
Summary
This heartfelt account details the emotional journey of loss after a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. The author reflects on the pain of losing a child, the physical reminders of grief, and the struggle for support. It emphasizes the importance of seeking help and resources during such a difficult time.
Keyphrase: miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]