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Updated: Feb. 25, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 1, 2018
I recently stumbled upon yet another blog post lamenting the trials of being a “married-but-single-mom.” You know the type: moms who express their woes about the challenges of being a stay-at-home parent while their husbands clock in 60-hour work weeks—work weeks that enable them to take on the stay-at-home role. These moms lament how their partners shy away from diaper duty, refuse to pick up after themselves, or simply don’t contribute at all to household responsibilities. They claim that their lives are so solitary that they feel they share the same struggles as single mothers.
Listen up. Just stop right there.
Ladies, and yes, I’m directing this to moms here as they tend to be the ones debating this topic repeatedly, if you are married, you cannot call yourself a single mom. It’s practically a contradiction. “Single” and “married” are opposites, and you cannot embody both at the same time.
When can you rightfully label yourself as a single mom? When you are unmarried and raising children on your own. Period.
- Is your husband absent most nights for work? Not a single mom.
- Does your spouse work nights while you handle daytime shifts? Not a single mom.
- Is your husband clueless about household chores? Still, not a single mom.
If your husband is referenced in any context regarding your relationship status, you are not a single mom.
I understand that your partner may be working long hours and expects you to manage dinner and laundry, and yes, you might be the primary caregiver in your household. I get it; it’s a demanding job. Parenthood is no walk in the park. And yes, sometimes it feels as if husbands can be another child to care for. But here’s the kicker: you have something that single moms don’t have—an actual partner.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you’ve got a person providing financial support, emotional backing, and an adult to share your life with, even if he’s busy most of the time. Someone to discuss more than just video games or elementary school math. That’s a significant advantage.
I won’t let those who don’t truly grasp this struggle share the title of single mom. Just… no.
Feel free to call me harsh or bitter. (A divorce I never wanted has left me feeling both.) But the term “single mom” isn’t meant for those who are stay-at-home moms with a partner. Sorry.
I’m not dismissing your challenges. I can imagine how frustrating it must feel to compare yourself with married moms whose husbands come home at a reasonable hour and actively participate in family life. Yes, your situation is tough, but you are still married. It may not align with the idealized vision you had of marriage, but it’s the reality.
When I was married, I worked a standard 8-4 job, while my spouse managed a restaurant and worked nights. For most of our daughter’s early years, I handled the caregiving solo for six nights a week and weekends. I remember telling friends, “Sometimes, I feel like a single parent,” without truly understanding what that meant.
Now, I do. I’m divorced, I have my daughter five nights a week, including weekends, and I run two businesses, putting in about 50-55 hours of work weekly. I’m responsible for around 90% of my child’s financial needs.
There are certainly parents out there who have it even tougher—those who are truly single and manage full-time jobs while raising their kids alone. The real single parents. I respect that some might argue I shouldn’t even use the term “single mom” since I have part-time co-parenting, and I can understand that perspective. I’ll gladly accept the label of “bitter ex-wife, working mom.”
But what both of us lack is that person—the partner who once vowed to stand by us through thick and thin. He’s not here anymore, and life has taken a different turn. I no longer have someone to share the load of parenting or household duties. I am single. I am a mom. And I’m doing it alone.
We all have our realities, and none of them are easy. The truth is, all parents face challenges. We can find common ground in the struggles of raising kids. Parenting is tough, regardless of how it appears from the outside. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale, and raising children isn’t as picture-perfect as we once imagined.
We all know that mom life can be demanding. However, I urge you to reserve the title of “Single Mom” for those who genuinely experience that reality.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes that being married and feeling overwhelmed does not equate to being a single mom. The author draws on personal experience to highlight the significant difference between married and single parenting, advocating for the respectful use of the term “single mom” for those who truly embody that role. There are shared struggles in parenting, but marriage offers support that single parents do not have.
Keyphrase: Not a single mom if married
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