“Say something, I’m giving up on you.” This lyric from A Great Big World has been resonating with me recently as I hit a wall in my own marriage. After a rocky temporary separation, I briefly enjoyed a period where my husband seemed genuinely committed to addressing the issues that have been eroding our relationship. We even attended a counseling session together.
Without diving into the specifics, let’s just say that while I recognize my own imperfections, it feels as if he’s single-handedly steering us toward disaster. I’m in survival mode, desperate to protect both myself and our children.
When I reach out to my support network, there are some well-intentioned comments that completely miss the point.
“You’re freeing yourself from a bad relationship to make way for something better.”
Please, just stop. I know you’re trying to uplift me, but it feels like you’re discounting the depth of my heartbreak. I’m not looking for a new, shiny relationship; I want my husband to turn things around and stop sabotaging our family.
I long for the early years of our marriage when we had fewer issues. I miss the man he used to be before struggles with addiction and mental health took their toll. Please don’t suggest that this is who he’s always been or that something better is waiting for me. He was part of the future I imagined, and this loss is incredibly difficult for me to process.
“You deserve so much more than him.”
To which my immediate thought is: “No! I deserve a partner who respects and loves me enough to not put us in this situation.” Why is it that so much of the advice given to women in my position revolves around finding someone new? Even my well-meaning grandfather once stated that a woman never leaves a marriage without having another man lined up. That’s simply not true—I am that woman.
Choosing to divorce my husband is not a decision I take lightly. It doesn’t mean I harbor feelings of hate or that I’ve found someone else. I still love him, and that makes this process even more painful. I often find myself apologizing to our newborn, while tears fall in private when my older kids ask, “Where’s Daddy?”
My decision to divorce is about self-preservation and safeguarding my children’s future. As divorced father Matt Sweetwood highlighted in a HuffPost article, it’s essential to protect kids from a toxic environment. “The worst thing for your children is to witness hostility in the home or see you unhappy.”
“Have you tried [blank]?”
Yes, I have. Why is it that those of us who initiate divorce are constantly asked if we’ve attempted every possible solution? This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision; I’m here after years of witnessing cracks in our marriage widen into chasms. I’ve done what I could, but I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my efforts.
Ultimately, I cannot hold a relationship together when the other person refuses to engage. It’s like trying to throw a lifeline to someone drowning, only to have them refuse to grab it. Am I expected to jump in and drown alongside them?
Please, hear my pain. Acknowledge my sorrow, anger, frustration, and the myriad tears I’ve shed. Instead of asking if I’ve tried something that worked for you or someone you know, just let me grieve. This decision wasn’t made overnight. It’s time for me to accept that the ball is no longer in my court—and it hasn’t been for quite some time.
Dear friend, sister, or mother, I appreciate your support even if the situation feels awkward and painful. Your presence alleviates my loneliness. So simply listen and let me cry on your shoulder. Remind me that things will improve eventually, and be there as I share my heart. You don’t need to have all the right words or solutions; just being with me is enough.
If you’re looking for additional resources, you might be interested in exploring options related to fertility, such as what’s covered in this article about home insemination kits, or consider fertility supplements for enhancing chances of conception. For more comprehensive information on fertility services, check out this excellent resource.
In Summary
When a friend is navigating the pain of divorce, the most valuable thing you can offer is your listening ear. Avoid offering solutions or comparisons; instead, simply be present.
Keyphrase: support during divorce
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]