Parenting
Growing up in Alabama, my childhood was a classic southern experience. Think fried veggies, football games, and lazy summers spent barefoot. My parents instilled manners in me—I learned to say “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir,” and to show respect to my elders. Southerners are notably kind-hearted, at least when it comes to appearances.
As a child, I was often told to “be sweet.” It was a mantra I absorbed from every woman in my life. If I was too loud with my siblings, my mom would chime in with “be sweet.” A slip of an inappropriate word at school would earn the same reminder from my teacher. Even as I grew older and engaged in heated political debates with family members, I would receive private nudges: “Remember to be sweet, Jenna!”
Now that I’m a mom, I’m carefully selecting which of my childhood lessons to hand down. We fry our vegetables, we practice “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir,” and football is a big deal in our household, where shoes are optional in the backyard.
But I’ll be honest: I won’t let anyone tell my daughter to “be sweet.”
You see, there were moments when that so-called southern sweetness became a liability—times when being “nice” put me in danger. I was reminded of this recently while working at a café.
As I stood up for a refill, I noticed two young women at a nearby table, headphones in and laptops open. Despite their clear intent to focus, a man in his forties decided to pull up a chair and invade their space uninvited. Instead of confronting him, the girls exchanged uncomfortable glances and forced smiles, nodding along for thirty minutes as he rambled on about himself.
Before becoming a mom, I might have thought, “Ugh, I know that feeling!” But that day, watching their discomfort made my blood boil. This man was overstepping boundaries, and the girls were being excessively polite.
We often train our daughters to be agreeable, and society praises “sweet little girls” because they’re easy to manage. But at what cost?
Ladies, have you ever tolerated an awkward or uncomfortable situation just to spare someone else’s feelings? Did you prioritize others’ comfort over your own? I certainly have, and I want to change that for my daughter.
Seeing those girls squirm made me anxious about my own parenting. Am I raising a girl who can assert herself? My daughter is only 18 months old, and I’ve already caught myself saying “Be sweet!” when she stands her ground with her brother. No more of that.
We’ve adopted a new mantra in our home: Be kind. Sweetness is about how others perceive you, while kindness is about doing what’s right. The distinction can literally be a matter of safety.
Girls can assert themselves kindly. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I’m sorry, but I need to work right now.” It’s not unkind to set boundaries. They may not like it, but who cares? It’s about prioritizing one’s own well-being.
I refuse to teach my daughter to be sweet at the expense of her comfort, safety, or happiness.
My husband and I no longer scold our daughter for expressing herself and saying “no.” She’s allowed to have agency. We encourage kindness, but sweetness is no longer a prerequisite in our household.
I’m not raising a sweet little girl; I’m raising a strong, confident woman. If my daughter grows up being labeled a “bitch” for standing her ground, that’s fine by me. I want her to define her own limits without guilt. If she becomes a fiery young woman who speaks her mind and stands up to creeps, I’ll be proud of her.
This article was originally published on September 18, 2017.
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In summary, instilling a sense of assertiveness and confidence in our daughters is essential for their future well-being. Rather than encouraging them to be sweet, we should empower them to be kind and stand up for themselves, ensuring they have the tools to navigate a complicated world.
Keyphrase: Raising a strong daughter
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