I absolutely dread the question, “What do you do for a living?” It’s a query that fills me with a mix of frustration and unease. As I engage in conversations, I can sense this question lurking, and no matter how I try to sidestep it, it always seems to rear its head.
For the past two and a half years, my answer has consistently been, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” Each time I say it, I’m met with nods of approval, as if I’m some kind of hero. But I’m not anyone’s savior.
While well-meaning strangers tell me how fortunate I am to have this invaluable opportunity, I feel a deep ache and an overwhelming sense of guilt. They have no idea about the complex emotions that this question stirs within me. They don’t know how much I yearn for the career I once had—how I miss my identity outside of motherhood. They can’t possibly understand my longing to return to the corporate world, where I had responsibilities and a sense of purpose beyond child-rearing and household tasks. They don’t see the twinge of jealousy I feel when I hear about other women excelling in their careers.
When I was in the workforce and faced the same question, I often sensed pity from people, as if they believed I was forced to work when I should be at home with my child. Who wouldn’t want to stay home with their little one, right?
After my first child was born, I went back to work without hesitation after my maternity leave. The transition to juggling daycare drop-offs and pickups was surprisingly smooth. I was shocked by how I didn’t feel the guilt that so many warned me about. In fact, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty—if that makes any sense.
I enjoyed the freedom of having responsibilities that extended beyond parenting. My child was in a nurturing, safe environment, and I found fulfillment in my career, which offered me a sense of value. It felt like a perfect balance. I love my family dearly, but I also appreciate when my life doesn’t solely revolve around them. My workplace emphasized a healthy work-life balance, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything.
Looking back, I realize that the opportunity to work was a privilege I wish I had valued more. Although financially it was a wash, I was able to maintain my job as long as we stayed out of the red. However, deciding to have more children prompted me to embrace my role as a stay-at-home mom.
While I cherish the moments I spend with my kids, there’s an undeniable void. This role wasn’t a choice for me; it was more of a sacrifice. I’ve sacrificed my career primarily due to the exorbitant cost of daycare.
I’m not alone in this struggle. According to a recent report from the Center of American Progress, “The high cost of child care leaves too many families without options.” In fact, the average cost of center-based care in the U.S. consumes nearly 30% of a median family’s income.
Now, with three little ones, the financial burden of daycare has rendered it nearly impossible for me to pursue the career I once dreamed of. The sheer cost of working is something I still grapple with. How is it possible that working is financially out of reach?
As my children grow, I worry about the impact this gap in my employment will have on my career. I often think about whether I’ll be able to reclaim my professional life after stepping away from it to undertake what many consider the most demanding but rewarding job of all. Research indicates that women taking a five-year break from their careers might lose out on a staggering $467,000 in income over their lifetimes, while men in the same situation may lose $596,000.
My husband and I anticipated this change in our lives with the arrival of our children. We wouldn’t change anything about the choices we’ve made, including having kids. Yet, I find myself taken aback by how intensely I wish to return to my professional life. This yearning brings with it a heavy burden of guilt.
I feel guilty for grappling with these conflicting emotions. I feel guilty for not being one of those women who has always dreamed of staying at home. I feel guilty for the debt I’ve incurred from my education, which currently seems wasted. I feel guilty for wanting more when so many others would love to be in my position but can’t. I wonder if I’m being greedy, questioning why I’m not satisfied with what I have. Shouldn’t I be grateful for my blessings?
Understanding that this time with my kids is fleeting, I find some comfort in putting my career aspirations on hold. I hold onto the hope that one day I’ll return to my professional path. This is just one of the many sacrifices we make as parents, and at the end of the day, I know my children are worth it.
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Summary:
The emotional conflict of sacrificing a career to become a stay-at-home mom is profound. While society often praises this role, the internal struggle and guilt can be overwhelming. Many women face similar dilemmas, battling feelings of inadequacy and longing for professional fulfillment. Ultimately, it’s a journey of love, sacrifice, and the hope for a future return to a career.
Keyphrase: The emotional toll of becoming a stay-at-home mom
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