Being a mom has always been my dream — nurturing and guiding a child while instilling a love for life. I was excited to meet their basic needs and support their emotional and moral development. However, I often feel that my son has suffered due to my struggles with type 2 bipolar disorder. This condition has turned parenting into an uphill battle, affecting both my life and his, leading to waves of guilt.
As psychotherapist Amy Richards puts it, “Depression can be particularly cruel. It drains the enthusiasm and energy essential for effective parenting while distorting your perception of reality.”
1. The Exhaustion
Some days, I can barely keep my eyes open, longing only to retreat to the comfort of my bed. The thought of engaging with my family feels overwhelming. I remember one day when my son was in fifth grade, we spent time with my mom in the city, and when it was time to leave, she suggested a nap, looking at my son. He replied, “I know,” which made me realize he understood that I was the one who would be napping, not him. He has seen me retreat to bed countless times, using sleep as an escape from reality.
2. The Absence of Motivation
There are times when I struggle to muster the will to do anything. Even when I manage to stay awake, I find myself getting lost in a TV show or a game on my phone, ignoring everything else. A never-ending list of chores looms over me, yet the weight of depression makes it feel impossible to tackle them. On particularly tough days, my son would ask, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” and I would respond with, “Just find something.” As a result, his meals often consisted of cereal, chips, or whatever he could grab from the pantry.
3. The Good Intentions Gone Awry
A good mom should keep tabs on her child’s academic progress, but my intentions often fade quickly. I’d look forward to family outings, movie nights, and engaging discussions, but when depression hits, I lose the desire to participate. I find myself letting my son entertain himself more than I should, while I lack the energy to encourage him to read or play outside. Consequently, he has become more absorbed in video games and his other interests have dwindled.
4. The Irritability
My husband and son sometimes bear the brunt of my irritability. With a short fuse, I would snap at the smallest inconveniences, often paired with anxiety. Recovering from these outbursts was a slow process, and I would retreat to my room or dive into sleep to escape the situation. This meant my son often missed out on the attentive and loving mom he deserved.
I often worry about how my condition has impacted my son. Research indicates that a mother’s depression can hinder her child’s social and cognitive development. I see some challenges in him and question how my mental health may have played a role. I know he has missed out on the nurturing mom I wanted to be. Presently, I’m striving to be the parent he needs, managing my bipolar disorder through therapy and medication. However, there’s no cure, and I’m left with limited time before he graduates high school, fearing he might look back and feel disappointed about his childhood with a mother who struggled with mental health.
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In summary, my journey as a parent has been shaped significantly by my bipolar disorder. The fatigue, lack of motivation, good intentions falling flat, and irritability have all taken a toll on my relationship with my son. Yet, I remain hopeful as I work to improve myself and be the mom he deserves.
Keyphrase: bipolar disorder and parenting
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