“Hey, boys! Watch it with the ball! You’re going to smash the window!” my father exclaims, his voice laced with panic and irritation as he addresses my children.
“It’s alright, Dad,” I reassure him once again. “It’s soft; the windows are safe.” I do my best to keep my tone gentle, but I can’t help but sound a bit annoyed. I know I’ll have to remind him at least a dozen more times that it’s perfectly fine for the kids to throw the soft ball inside. I’ll also have to repeat myself just as many times to my kids, asking them to stop doing things that they know unsettle their grandpa.
“He struggles to assess danger,” I explain to them, “so everything feels threatening.” I’ve tried to clarify this point countless times, but their young minds simply can’t grasp it. Honestly, I sometimes find it hard to understand myself.
My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease last year. While it didn’t come as a shock—he had been exhibiting signs of dementia for a while—it still hit hard.
When people hear “Alzheimer’s,” they often think of memory loss. Yes, it’s unsettling when my dad doesn’t recognize my husband, and it can be frustrating to answer the same question repeatedly. But the hardest part for me doesn’t revolve around memory issues or endless questions. The most painful aspect is that my children (along with their cousins) are growing up without truly knowing their grandpa.
They won’t remember him as the strong, independent man he was—a man who launched his own business and transformed it into an international success. They won’t hear his loud, infectious laughter that resonated with his siblings. They won’t witness him swimming, biking, or power-walking with his tiny dog, Max. They won’t see the joy in his eyes when he talked about his children.
Instead, they will encounter a new version of him, shaped by the relentless grip of Alzheimer’s. They’ll meet a man who feels frightened and angry when they act like the lively kids they are, jumping on furniture and tossing the ball. They will know someone who has become dependent and less engaged. They will see a man who laughs far less than he used to.
However, it’s not all bleak. They will also know a man who still shows deep affection for his wife, cooing sweet nothings to her. They’ll find humor in his inappropriate jokes and witness him tearing up when watching daytime talk shows that remind him of his own parents.
Through this, my kids will learn valuable lessons—lessons that only emerge from grappling with life’s challenges and the harsh realities of time. They’ll discover patience and the importance of caring for those in need. Perhaps they’ll even learn to handle situations with more calmness.
My partner reminds me that my kids won’t just remember their grandpa through their experiences; they will also learn about him through my stories. “You can share who he was with them,” he said one evening not long ago. He’s right, and that gives me some comfort.
Eventually, I hope to reconcile the man my father was with the one he has become due to Alzheimer’s. It is my honor to convey the essence of the man I knew to my children, ensuring that they have a connection to him, allowing us all to hold onto the memories of who he once was.
Alzheimer’s disease is often referred to as the “long goodbye,” and that description couldn’t be more fitting. My father is physically present, but he’s not truly my dad—not in the way I cherished him for so many years, and certainly not as the grandfather I wished him to be for my children.
Every day and every interaction feels like a kind of farewell. We’re saying goodbye to the man he was and the one he could have been. We’re saying farewell to the dreams and adventures he and my mother had envisioned for their golden years.
Goodbye, but not yet. We refuse to let go.
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Summary
The emotional journey of coping with a loved one’s Alzheimer’s disease reveals the challenges of memory loss and personal connection. While the disease alters relationships, cherished memories and lessons learned endure, helping future generations understand the essence of their grandparent.
Keyphrase
Alzheimer’s disease and family connections
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