What I interpret:
…before breakfast.
What they recommend:
“Never go to bed angry.”
What I interpret:
…at yourself. It’s okay to be upset with him; he likely deserved it.
What they recommend:
“Consume five servings of fruits and vegetables daily.”
What I interpret:
…as a family. We shouldn’t overindulge.
What they say:
“When one door closes…”
What I interpret:
…there’s likely a child on the other side demanding something.
What they say:
“Dance like nobody is watching.”
What I interpret:
…unless it’s someone like Bradley Cooper; then you better bring your A-game.
What they say:
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
What I interpret:
…or enhances your wine-drinking habits.
What they say:
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”
What I interpret:
…time for a binge-watch marathon.
What they say:
“5 Second Rule.”
What I interpret:
…It’s totally fine for your child to eat something off the floor five seconds after they notice it, regardless of how long it’s been there.
What they say:
“Happy wife, happy…”
What I interpret:
…midlife crisis.
What they say:
“Choose organic food.”
What I interpret:
…as in items that naturally exist in your pantry, like Cheetos and Nutella.
What they say:
“Aim for 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise every day.”
What I interpret:
…or move the decimal point over one place and call it 3.0 minutes per day.
What they say:
“Life is like a box of chocolates.”
What I interpret:
…messy, melted chocolate all over the minivan floor.
What they say:
“Don’t stress over the minor issues.”
What I interpret:
…only focus on the big problems and the small ones at the same time. Usually at 3 a.m.
What they say:
“Take the road less traveled.”
What I interpret:
…and then hide there. Bring a pillow; you might want to nap.
What they say:
“Get at least eight hours of sleep.”
What I interpret:
…per week.
What they say:
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
What I interpret:
…and make sure to add vodka.
What they say:
“Pick your battles wisely.”
What I interpret:
…only engage in those you can win, and then fight like a warrior.
What they say:
“Drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water daily.”
What I interpret:
…and then track how often you pee, reporting it as a fraction using common core math principles.
What they say:
“40 is fabulous.”
What I interpret:
…compared to 80.
What they say:
“Go big or go home.”
What I interpret:
…so definitely go big, because it’s loud and chaotic at home.
This article was originally published on April 22, 2015.
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Summary
In this piece, we explore the humorous disparity between expert recommendations on parenting and health and the relatable interpretations that many parents might have. From the complexities of nutrition to the realities of sleep deprivation, the text provides an entertaining yet insightful look at the challenges of modern parenting.
Keyphrase: parenting advice
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]