“Oops, my bad!” I say to a stranger whose shopping cart just collided with me in the supermarket.
“Excuse me for bothering you, but…” I write in a message to someone I need to connect with.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I’ve said to servers when they mistakenly brought me the wrong dish.
“I’m really sorry,” I tell my kids when breakfast is taking longer than they’d like.
“Sorry to interrupt,” I mumble quietly to the cashier who seems oblivious to my presence.
With every “sorry,” it feels like I’m conveying, “I apologize for taking up space.” It’s as if I’m expressing regret for not having superhuman capabilities, for requiring assistance, for merely existing as a woman, for being proactive, or even for occupying a spot someone else wanted.
Why do I do this? Research indicates that women, in particular, tend to apologize more frequently. Fantastic. One study highlighted that women often have a lower threshold for what they perceive as offensive, leading to needless apologies in routine interactions. We’re also generally more empathetic, often putting ourselves in other people’s shoes. This tendency makes it easier for us to resort to “sorry,” a word that encapsulates all those submissive, accommodating feelings.
Remember that Pantene commercial that pointed out how often women apologize? It featured relatable scenarios where women said sorry far too much, only to flip the script and show them just stating their needs without the apologetic preface. They didn’t come across as rude; they simply appeared confident and self-assured. Watching that was both empowering and unsettling.
Recently, my partner and I noticed our son was saying sorry far too often for things that didn’t warrant an apology: like chopping apples in the kitchen, his sister’s antics, or when we asked him a question. It was automatic, almost a reflex, and it drove us crazy.
To tackle this, we instituted a family rule: no mindless apologies. If anyone feels the need to apologize, it must be for a legitimate reason, like being a jerk, not just as a placeholder in a conversation. The recipient acknowledges it with a “Thank you.”
This strategy is effective, particularly because our 5-year-old is a bit of a stickler for rules. Unlike her brother and me, she doesn’t over-apologize. This approach makes saying “sorry” meaningful, rather than a casual phrase to gloss over situations or get what we want. It also elevates the importance of apologies, so they’re reserved for genuine situations.
I’m also working on breaking my own sorry habit outside the home: consciously removing apologies from emails, resisting the urge to apologize when bumped into, and directly requesting the correct meal from waitstaff without guilt. It’s challenging and doesn’t come easily, but I’m determined to step off the sorry train. I hope to carry my son along for the ride.
Not sorry about it!
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Summary:
In this reflection, the author shares her experiences and frustrations with over-apologizing, particularly as a woman. Observing her son develop the same habit, she establishes a family rule to make apologies meaningful rather than reflexive. The piece emphasizes the need to recognize our worth and communicate effectively without unnecessary guilt.
Keyphrase: Overcoming Apologizing
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