The first encounter with my son’s birth mother was nothing short of intimidating. She glared at me with a fierce intensity that felt like a challenge. It was my inaugural experience with fostering, and this meeting was supposed to break the ice; however, it turned into an accidental confrontation during one of her visits while the supervisor had stepped out momentarily. Having grown up in the foster system, she viewed child services—and me—as an adversary.
I hate to admit it, but my focus was solely on her child, which is where it should have been. I neglected to consider the immense difficulty of her situation and instead spent my time passing judgment on her choices.
Initially, my husband and I had no intention of adopting. We decided to foster because we felt we could make a difference. Being new to this journey, we were unprepared for the emotional ups and downs that foster parenting entails. The certification process took us 11 long months, and when we finally received our certification, we expressed our desire for a placement of one child under the age of six. Our caseworker warned us that finding a single child might take time, as siblings often come in groups. We were okay with waiting—or so we thought. By the afternoon of the same day, a 1-month-old baby was at our doorstep, completely changing our plans and lives forever.
As the case progressed, we navigated through the usual hurdles: court dates, psychological evaluations, and visits that often left us wondering where the birth parents were. I didn’t see her often, but when I did, I attempted to remain friendly while focusing on caring for her son and supporting her efforts to reunite. Yet, my internal dialogue was harsh: “She didn’t deserve him,” I would think. “She should have known better.” I was busy judging, leaving little room for empathy.
Everything shifted about eight months into the case when she entered a residential program aimed at helping her achieve sobriety and adhere to her safety plan. Despite her progress, my judgment didn’t waver. The visits became routine; I would notify the supervisor from the parking lot, and she would carry the baby in and out after each visit. Occasionally, I would catch the birth mother glaring at me through the window—until one pivotal day.
The night before, the residential home had dinner with flowers adorning the tables. She asked if she could keep a bouquet. After her visit the next day, I was taken aback to see her walking toward my car, holding the baby and a little bouquet tied with twine. “I want to honor you and thank you. Happy Mother’s Day,” she said, handing me the flowers.
That moment was profoundly transformative. We both felt overwhelmed with emotion, sharing a hug and tears. For the first time, I truly saw her—her vulnerability, her fears, her grief. I was so moved by her gesture that I finally stepped into the role I should have occupied all along: a supporter, a cheerleader, someone who doesn’t judge. From that day forward, everything changed. I looked forward to her visits, eager to share milestones of her son, even creating a photo album of his first year. She felt like family to me, and I found myself torn between wanting to keep our son and wishing for her success.
Reflecting on that tender moment fills me with both warmth and guilt. I regret not being the first to reach out; her courage was inspiring. She has faced so many challenges and emerged as a strong, resilient woman. These qualities are now starting to show in my son, and I couldn’t be prouder. I am grateful that he carries these traits from her, which will serve him well throughout his life. That day marked the end of my judgments toward her and other birth mothers we encountered during our three years in foster care. Witnessing her genuine spirit made me realize how fortunate I was to have had a stable upbringing. It also made me reflect on how different my life could have been under different circumstances.
Fostering is a complex journey filled with emotional highs and lows that can leave anyone feeling dizzy. My husband and I emerged from our experience with an adopted son and nine other children who will forever hold a place in our hearts, along with an abundance of love and a new perspective devoid of judgment.
If you’re considering your own journey into parenthood, whether through fostering or other means, check out this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination. For those interested in home insemination, you might also want to explore the at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit, as well as the Cryobaby home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo.
Summary
The journey of foster parenting brought Jessica to a transformative moment when she realized the importance of empathy over judgment towards her son’s birth mother. A heartfelt gesture from the birth mother shifted Jessica’s perspective, leading to a supportive relationship that enriched their shared experience.
Keyphrase: The day I stopped judging my son’s birth mother
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]