Before you consider serving only cereal for every meal, remember that your toddler is simply navigating the unique guidelines of their own dining etiquette. Here are 25 playful rules they abide by:
- Dress for Success – Make an entrance by showing up at the table missing an item of clothing—preferably pants or a sock. For fancier occasions, consider accessorizing with a few extra stickers.
- Plus-One Policy – Always bring a toy along to the table. If you don’t get your way, feel free to hold the toy hostage until your request for a dining companion is fulfilled.
- Patience is Key – Hold off on choosing a seat until everyone else is settled; then, feel free to claim any lap or chair you desire.
- Posture Perfection – You’ll know you’re sitting properly when you find yourself proudly standing on your chair.
- Order Like a Pro – Your food ordering should start long before dinner and ideally continue until you’re tucked in bed.
- Napkin Nonsense – Napkins are best suited for the floor. Crumple yours up and toss it down, or let it float gracefully to the ground if it’s a formal event.
- Bathroom Breaks – Just as everyone is ready to dive in, it’s the perfect time to ask for a trip to the restroom.
- Table Navigation – Why reach over when you can crawl across the table instead?
- Utensil Technique – Hold your spoon, fork, or spork like a drumstick for optimal banging on the table—who needs a beat?
- Food Envy – Compliment your dining companions’ meals, declaring their selections superior, and request to share—politely if possible, but don’t hesitate to take matters into your own hands if necessary.
- Table Talk – If you’ve eaten a substantial portion, it’s time to negotiate for something in return. Start with dessert but aim for extra playtime and a free pass on hair washing.
- Face Cleaning – Use your arm to wipe your face, but let that runny nose be; it’s part of the aesthetic!
- Strategic Bites – Attempt to eat everything in one bite, and if it doesn’t sit well, give someone a chance to catch your food before you opt to spit it out.
- Open-Mouth Dining – Show off every bite you take; no one should question your eating habits!
- Utensil Loss – If a utensil goes missing, let it fall under the table or launch it across the room.
- Eating Speed – Maintain a frantic pace while eating, or simply choose not to eat at all.
- Upper Body Workout – Present your utensil to your mouth with flair instead of lowering your head; this increases your chances of a delightful spill.
- Food Gestures – Use your utensils to express yourself and make your food fly off, dramatically reducing the portion you’re expected to finish.
- Course Rejection – No meal is perfect; be sure to send back at least one item by tossing it or using your spoon as a slingshot.
- Multiple Requests – If seven courses are served, remember that you should only be required to sample one bite from each.
- DIY Buttering – Decline help with buttering your bread and opt to use ketchup instead.
- Spill for Your Friends – Always spill at least half of your drink; your imaginary pet will appreciate it!
- Food Preservation – Ask someone to save your uneaten food, but never plan to eat it later.
- Avoid Adults – When you finish, stay underneath the table to remain out of reach from grown-ups.
- Chef Praise – Insist that only the chef (likely Mommy, or perhaps Daddy on a special occasion) is qualified to hold you, and make them do so indefinitely.
These rules may seem chaotic, but they offer a glimpse into a toddler’s world. With a little patience, perhaps one day they’ll learn the more refined table manners we hope for. Until then, indulge in your favorite treats while they’re asleep for some well-deserved revenge.
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