Dear Little One,
Today marks your 4th birthday, Oliver. It’s hard to fathom how quickly time has flown. Watching you leap and play with your friends fills my heart with so much pride and joy. You are truly remarkable, and I want you to know how much I cherish being your mom.
There are a few things I want to share with you. While you might not fully grasp them now, I hope that one day, when I have grown old and my hair is gray, you will read this letter and understand its significance.
First and foremost, I am immensely grateful that you are my son and that you share a bond with your brother, Ethan. You both have brought immeasurable happiness into my life, a joy I never thought possible.
Let me share a secret with you—when I discovered I was expecting you, I was overwhelmed with tears. I was terrified, my dear. At that time, your brother was just two years old, and I felt hopeless as I struggled to support him. I was consumed by feelings of inadequacy—not just as a mother, but as a wife, a friend, and an employee. The looming presence of autism was a heavy burden on my heart, and I was filled with dread about the future.
Every day was a challenge, and my dreams of a perfect family seemed to slip further away. Then came that fateful Saturday morning. I was awake all night with your brother, and out of sheer instinct, I took a pregnancy test. The result was undeniable—you were on your way!
Fear enveloped me, knowing how consumed I was by your brother’s needs. Those nine months were filled with sleepless nights spent Googling the odds of having two children with autism instead of nurturing myself.
Then, in January, you arrived. And oh, how you were a blessing! You were the epitome of contentment—sleeping, eating, laughing. In many ways, you saved me. You reintroduced joy into my life, reminding me of the beauty of motherhood that I had begun to overlook in my pursuit to help your brother.
As I watched you grow, I felt a bittersweet ache. Seeing you reach milestones that your brother struggled with was uplifting yet heartbreaking. I often found myself reflecting on how we sometimes downplayed your achievements because we were hyper-focused on Ethan’s challenges. We never intended for that to happen; we always knew you were thriving.
I want to apologize for the circumstances you were born into. Having a brother with severe special needs can be frustrating. There are days when the only interaction you have with him is less than ideal. I can see the confusion in your eyes when you try to engage with Ethan, only to receive a reaction that is hard to understand.
You are such a lively and sociable child, often seeking my attention when your brother cannot. Part of me wishes you didn’t have to know the term “autism,” yet I also see how it has shaped you. You are learning resilience and empathy, valuable lessons that many children may never encounter.
I often feel I have missed so much of your life. Just last month, during your well-child checkup, I blanked on the year you were born. It was a moment of panic that resulted in tears. Your father laughed it off, attributing it to my sleep deprivation.
I regret the times I had to hush you when all you wanted was to share your thoughts after hours of listening to your brother’s cries. I hope you can forgive me; it was never my intention to silence you.
Recently, during a visit from a social worker, you gently held my face and asked if we could talk about Ethan. That moment will forever be etched in my memory—your little hands on my cheeks, your sincere desire to discuss your brother. Unfortunately, I had to push our conversation aside due to immediate needs.
I want to thank you, dear Oliver. Life can be challenging and downright exhausting at times. I sometimes worry that I spoil you because you often see your brother struggle with what comes easily to you. The guilt is overwhelming when I think of the moments that I have missed or the times I couldn’t give you my full attention.
As you grow, I will teach you the values of kindness, love, and patience. I want you to understand that disabilities can be complex, but they are not to be feared. I hope you will advocate for what is right, especially for your brother.
Above all, I want you to remain joyful and embrace your own path without resentment. I hope you will know the special bond that brothers share, even amid challenges.
Happy birthday, my sweet Oliver. Today, we celebrate you and all the incredible things that make you who you are.