As I sit watching my son during his swimming lesson, a sense of joy washes over me. He dives beneath the water, and when he resurfaces, his face beams with a triumphant smile. This moment is monumental for us; just a short time ago, his sensory processing disorder made it nearly impossible for him to fully immerse his face in the water. At six years old, he was the only first-grader still wearing floaties at the pool—a fact he was acutely aware of yet powerless to change. Watching him conquer this challenge fills me with happiness, but also a profound relief.
I glance over and notice one of his classmates sitting quietly on a bench, engrossed in a large chapter book—one that clearly surpasses the reading level of most first-graders. This child has already mastered swimming and is now content to read while his little brother learns. A wave of jealousy and competitiveness stirs within me.
“Did you see XX reading that chapter book?” I mention to a fellow parent. She nods, unfazed, and adds that he excels at soccer too—he’s the classic overachiever, destined for a future filled with success and accolades. “I wish my son would be like that,” she says. I respond, “All I want is for my son to be happy.”
Perhaps it’s the countless hours spent watching him struggle with tasks that come easily to his peers, or the four meetings I’ve already had with his educational team this January, but my perspective on success has shifted. For my son, success now means getting off the bus with a smile. While all parents desire happiness for their children, our definitions of success vary greatly.
This reflection leads me to consider what we truly expect from our kids. After years of acceptance, I’ve come to understand that my son may not be the star student or the captain of the soccer team. It’s not that he lacks the potential to be any of those things; he is intelligent, kind, and possesses unique talents. However, his ADHD and sensory processing disorder present challenges that often hinder his progress. Observing his difficulties has illuminated a crucial truth: his happiness and self-esteem are paramount to his future success.
In one particularly emotional meeting with his educational team, I pleaded for any sign of my son’s accomplishments. “Perhaps he calls out in class because he has lots of ideas!” I suggested, desperately trying to highlight his strengths. The response was always the same: “He’s doing fine; he’s happy, enthusiastic, and has many friends.” In that moment, it became clear to me what truly matters.
I’ve stopped worrying about whether he hates soccer or prefers building rockets over scoring touchdowns. His frequent outbursts in class or his struggle to fit the mold of a typical student no longer bother me. If he’s still wearing floaties this summer, that’s perfectly okay, and I’ll make sure he feels confident doing so.
While I still find myself anxious about his progress, my focus has shifted to imparting lessons that will make these concerns irrelevant. I’m teaching him to embrace himself and find joy in his uniqueness.
What are the so-called “tiger parents” truly offering their children if not a narrow definition of success based solely on achievements? I want my son to measure success by his attempts rather than just the outcomes. Failure is a part of growth; it signifies the courage to try. I hope he learns that choosing happiness over societal expectations is what’s essential. In a world where children are pressured to excel, we must ask: when did being a happy child become secondary to being a superstar?
True success is inextricably linked to happiness and self-esteem. It’s about learning to cope with setbacks and rising again. Not every child will win a trophy or take first place, and that should be acceptable. It is a disservice to teach children that they must excel at everything rather than simply trying their hardest. They must grasp that their best effort is sufficient, even if it doesn’t lead to a first-place finish.
Though my son may never play soccer, become a professional dancer, or be the valedictorian, I am confident that he will find his path. His future is bright, and after navigating through failures, he will become what he aspires to be. Every night, as he drifts off to sleep with a smile, I know he is already succeeding.
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