Dear Metabolism,
I hope this message finds you well. It feels like ages since we shared a strong connection. I reminisce about the days when I was in my early twenties, effortlessly devouring an entire frozen pizza for lunch only to slip into a bikini later that same day. I could indulge in a cheeseburger—complete with all the fixings—and still manage a few push-ups, and you would spring into action, ready to help me burn it all off. Those were truly the golden days, and I find myself longing for them.
It’s time for a candid discussion because I sense our relationship has grown rather lopsided. For the past week, I’ve been consuming green smoothies for breakfast. You know the sort—blending greens that resemble a mix of baby waste and the aftermath of a wild night with too many jello shots. I drink my shake, do a few sit-ups to kickstart you, yet… nothing. My body still feels jiggly, and frankly, it’s unacceptable.
Let’s face it; you’ve become quite lazy. You don’t reach out, and you certainly don’t allow me to enjoy cake without it miraculously landing on my waistline. I love cake, Metabolism! Surely, you could put in a bit more effort when it comes to dessert? I’m even willing to sacrifice my Sunday football beer if you could just negotiate a truce on the cake front.
Now, let’s highlight some of my commendable efforts to mend our relationship, which seem to have gone unnoticed. I’ve ramped up my exercise routine and have been eating smaller, more frequent meals—exactly what you advised would make you happier. Yet, every morning, I step on the scale, try to squeeze into my pants, and realize you’ve let me down yet again. The scale is aware, my jeans shout it, and I certainly feel it.
I need you to step up your game. Can you work your magic on the 12 almonds I consumed at 10 AM? I even munched on a celery stick yesterday, which was quite the challenge for me. I had to slather it in peanut butter just to make it bearable. But I figured, peanut butter is protein, right? I feel like I’m losing track of what will keep you happy these days. Is the key high protein, low fat, no carbs, or a combination of all three? I’m ready to comply.
You’ve become secretive, and I must admit, I’m tired of seeing you spend so much quality time with my partner, Jake. He can indulge in anything he desires, and if he gains a few pounds, he simply shrugs it off and returns to form in no time. It’s not fair!
I acknowledge my own slip-ups; I may have gone a bit overboard with the nachos last night. And yes, my interpretation of a “glass of wine” could use some reevaluation. I know that recent research claims chocolate can be beneficial, but perhaps bingeing on chocolate chips during PMS isn’t the best strategy. Still, you used to be so enthusiastic, and now it feels as though you’ve lost interest in me altogether. I miss who we were.
So here’s my proposition: I promise to avoid bringing Doritos into the house and to stop treating every night like a spring break party with tequila. In return, could you allow me the occasional slice of cake without it leading to unwanted weight gain?
I’m committed to improving our partnership; the least you could do is show up once in a while.
With hope and affection,
Moms Everywhere