Dear Exhausted Mom,
I completely understand your situation. You may be nursing a newborn or have a couple of toddlers vying for your attention all day. Your preschooler might be insisting that they need to be attached to you at all times. Nights are filled with disruptions—whether it’s for feedings, nightmares, or other nighttime parenting challenges.
You’ve been touched, hugged, and snuggled to the point of exhaustion, and the last thing on your mind is intimacy at the end of a long day.
Believe me, I’ve been there. After the birth of my first child, my libido took a significant dip. We welcomed two more children shortly after, but during those years, my interest in physical intimacy was minimal. I often engaged in what I now refer to as “pity sex.” The thought of sex was often unappealing, and the reality was that I didn’t feel like it—most of the time, I actively didn’t want to engage in it.
For some, physical touch is a primary love language, but while I enjoy it up to a point, I quickly reach my limit. With multiple children, there’s an abundance of touching, especially from my little ones who crave closeness. Unfortunately, by the time evening arrives, I am just done.
It was challenging to reconcile my emotional connection with my husband with my lack of desire for physical intimacy. Our relationship remained strong in other aspects, and I felt as loving as ever, but my body simply wasn’t on board. I was touched out—physically and emotionally.
Moreover, I was utterly fatigued. Once the kids were asleep, I yearned for some quiet time. For my husband, sex was a way to unwind, but for me, it was draining. Even the most enjoyable experiences seemed like too much effort. Sleep was far more appealing.
The good news is that it does get better. My youngest child is now 6, and I’m happy to report that my desire for intimacy has returned. I was uncertain if I would ever feel that spark again, but my doctor reassured me that what I was experiencing was normal during the demanding early years of parenthood. Hormonal changes and sleep deprivation contribute to this phase, and I learned that I was not alone in my struggles.
Here are a few strategies that might help as you navigate your own journey:
- Plan Ahead: Scheduling intimacy might feel unromantic, but it can help you mentally prepare. This technique can prevent you from completely forgetting about it and ensure that intimacy doesn’t fade away altogether.
- Open Communication: Discuss your needs and desires with your partner. Finding a compromise is essential, even if it means neither of you is perfectly satisfied all the time.
- Express Love in Other Ways: It’s vital for your partner to understand that your lack of desire isn’t a reflection of your feelings for them. Show affection through kind gestures and non-sexual touch to maintain your emotional connection.
- Just Go For It: Occasionally, engaging in intimacy even when you’re not in the mood can lead to positive experiences. While it’s important to listen to your body, sometimes the act itself can reignite that spark.
- Keep Perspective: Remember, this phase is often temporary. Many women experience low libido after childbirth, but it is usually a phase of life. In time, the burden of intimacy can transform back into a blessing.
You’re certainly not alone in feeling this way—many women face low or absent sex drives after having children. Be gentle with yourself, and know that in time, you will likely rediscover your desire.
Sincerely,
A Mom Who Found Her Groove Again
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Summary: It’s common for mothers of young children to experience a decrease in sexual desire due to the physical and emotional demands of parenting. Strategies like scheduling intimacy, communicating openly, and expressing love in other ways can help, and it’s essential to remember that this phase is often temporary. Many women rediscover their sexual desire as their children grow.
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