In a recently published article by Life of Dad, a thought-provoking quote emerged: “Not everyone had a great dad, unfortunately, so Lewis Hundley suggests that you ‘Be the parent you needed when you were a kid.’” This statement resonated deeply with me.
When my first child was born, I was overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty. I vividly recall the moment I held my son, with his soft hair and tiny frame, swaddled in a blanket, and I wondered how I could possibly fulfill the role of a father when my own dad was largely absent. My father left when I was nine and passed away when I was nineteen, leaving a void that I often reflected on, especially when my partner proposed the idea of having children.
It was late, and I was in the hospital, exhausted from a long night with my newborn son, Ethan, who was struggling to settle down. As I gazed at him, I made a promise to myself: “I will be the father I never had.” In that moment, it felt empowering, as if I was breaking a cycle of absence. However, in hindsight, I wonder if I was setting my expectations too low or too high. After all, I lacked a clear vision of what I wanted from a father figure during my upbringing.
There were moments when I wished for a dad who remembered my birthday, or one who could teach me how to fix a car. I longed for a father who didn’t struggle with addiction, and I compared my experiences with those of friends whose fathers would greet them with warmth. Ultimately, sometimes I just wanted a friend.
The truth is, I didn’t have a concrete understanding of what I needed from a father. Reflecting on this makes me recognize the challenge faced by many parents today, especially those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s, during a time when it became more acceptable for fathers to step away from family responsibilities. Now, we confront the immense challenge of being the parents we wish we had.
I still grapple with what that ideal parent looks like. Occasionally, when I doubt my parenting skills, I remind myself that at least I am present. I return home every night to my children, but then I question if I am merely comparing my efforts to the absence of my own father. It’s a confusing balancing act. Just recently, while sitting beside my nine-year-old son, Ethan, as he read in bed after I had worked late, I felt the need to express my love for him. “Ethan,” I said, “I love you. I’m sorry for being late tonight.”
He looked up at me, his eyes wide, and I thought about how much I would have cherished hearing those words from my own father. “Duh, I know you love me. You say it all the time,” he replied, rolling his eyes.
This made me pause. Am I expressing my love too frequently? Is there such a thing as saying “I love you” too much? Perhaps I’m missing the mark in my parenting approach. It’s important to note that many parents, regardless of their upbringing, experience similar insecurities. The reality of fatherhood is that it often feels like venturing into uncharted territory, navigating without a clear map.
That night, as I reflected on Ethan’s response, I explained, “I tell you I love you so often because my dad wasn’t around much. I want to ensure you know that I’m always here for you. It’s vital for me that you understand how much I care.”
He didn’t dismiss my words again. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me for a hug and said, “I know you love me, Dad.” Hearing that reinforced my resolve. Despite my father’s absence, it has fueled my determination to be actively involved in my children’s lives. I refuse to let them feel the void I experienced.
Yet, this journey is not without its trials. I constantly seek guidance from my partner and pour my heart into ensuring my children feel valued. I am grateful for the lessons from my past, even as they haunt me with uncertainty about my parenting skills. I wonder if these feelings will ever dissipate.
In conclusion, being the parent you needed as a child is a journey filled with challenges and self-discovery. While I strive to be present and supportive, the echoes of my past shape my approach to parenting and fuel my desire to provide my children with the love and stability I lacked. For those navigating similar paths, resources like CDC’s pregnancy information can be invaluable, and for those considering home insemination, Make A Mom’s BabyMaker Kit and At Home Insemination Kit offer comprehensive guidance.
Summary:
Navigating parenthood as someone who grew up without a strong father figure presents unique challenges. The author reflects on their feelings of inadequacy and the promise to be the parent they wished they had. Through love and presence, they strive to break the cycle and provide their children with the emotional support they lacked.
Keyphrase: Be the Parent You Needed
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