My family certainly catches people’s attention. My children are of Asian descent, while my husband and I are Caucasian, leading most to correctly assume that our kids are adopted.
This noticeable difference can invite curiosity and sometimes intrusive inquiries that can feel both inappropriate and offensive. While I understand that most people don’t intend to offend when they ask about my family dynamics, their questions can often lead to discomfort, especially when we’re simply trying to enjoy our day at the grocery store.
I strive to respond with patience, but it can be challenging when confronted with absurd questions like these:
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“What happened to their REAL parents?”
It’s essential to use the term “birth parents” instead. Furthermore, it’s not really your place to ask. Such phrasing can provoke sensitive conversations with my children, prompting them to question their own identity. Instead of asking about “real” parents, it would be more respectful to simply acknowledge our family as it is. -
“Your child is so lucky/you’re a saint for adopting.”
I appreciate the sentiment, but I am not a saint, and my child is not a charity case. My husband and I wanted to become parents, not to embark on a mission to save someone. -
“Can’t you have your own children?”
This question is overly personal and invasive. It’s never appropriate to inquire about someone’s reproductive choices or capabilities. -
“Why did you choose to adopt from this country instead of that one?”
Such questions suggest that there’s a “right” way to adopt, which is not the case. Adoption choices are deeply personal and complex. Unless you’re genuinely considering adoption yourself, it’s best to refrain from these inquiries. -
“Isn’t adopting the easy way to have kids?”
While I may not have faced the challenges of pregnancy, that doesn’t mean adoption is easy. You have no idea about my struggles with infertility or prior losses. -
“I could NEVER do that.”
It’s easy to make sweeping statements about situations you’ve never faced. Everyone’s circumstances and capabilities are different, and it’s important to approach these topics with empathy. -
“How much did the adoption cost?”
This question is incredibly personal and invasive. Asking about someone’s financial decisions, especially regarding adoption, is akin to prying into their private life. A simple compliment about the child is more appropriate. -
“Do you think they’ll grow up to be communists?”
This question is not only absurd but also reflects a misunderstanding about identity. Our children are now U.S. citizens, and their future political beliefs are not a concern for me. My primary wish is for them to be happy and well-adjusted.
Curiosity can be positive, but the context and relationship matter significantly. If you wouldn’t ask a mother of a large infant, “How long did it take to deliver that?” then perhaps you should reconsider how you address families that differ from your own.
In summary, it’s crucial to approach conversations with sensitivity and respect. Questions that may seem innocent can be quite harmful. Remember, kindness goes a long way.
If you’re interested in exploring more about family planning and home insemination, check out our other posts on home insemination kits or learn about the BabyMaker home intracervical insemination syringe kit. For those facing infertility, ACOG offers excellent resources.
Keyphrase: inappropriate questions for adoptive parents
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