In 2014, I discovered that I was expecting triplets. My partner and I were overwhelmed with joy after years of struggling with infertility. However, the unsolicited comments started rolling in almost immediately. “Triplets?! How will you manage that?” or “Three at once? I’m glad it’s not me!” After perfecting my replies and practicing my glare for the more thoughtless remarks, I believed I had faced the worst. Yet, I was unprepared for the even more painful comments that followed the loss of two of my precious triplets.
On June 25, 2014, I gave birth to my triplets prematurely, at just 23 weeks. Tragically, my daughter, Lily, passed away on the same day, and my son, Max, lived for only six weeks. Before this, I had little understanding of the grief associated with losing a child. As I navigated this painful journey, I encountered phrases that, although often well-intentioned, only served to deepen my sorrow. Here are the five things I wish people would refrain from saying to grieving parents:
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase is particularly painful for those of us who have suffered the loss of a child. Life often lacks clear explanations, and no parent should have to outlive their child. The reasons behind my complicated pregnancy and premature labor are mysteries that haunt me. This saying often accompanies another: “God only gives us what we can handle.” I once asked my childhood pastor why this was happening to me, and her reply has become a guiding principle: “God doesn’t only give us what we can handle; He supports us as we face our challenges.”
2. “They are in a better place.”
This comment feels dismissive rather than comforting. As a parent, I yearn for my children to be in my arms, not in a distant place. I believe I speak for many grieving parents when I say we would give anything for just one more moment with our little ones.
3. “At least you have one child left. Count your blessings.”
Really? Suggesting that having one child compensates for the loss of two is incredibly hurtful. I strive to maintain a positive outlook, but the grief for Lily and Max is a constant presence. On the darkest days, it’s challenging to focus on blessings. Yes, I am fortunate to have a beautiful child, Mia, who brings light into my life, but it’s painful to acknowledge that she should have siblings to share her life with—not just photos and memories.
4. “You’re still young. You can always try for more children.”
While it may be true that my biological clock still ticks, many people are unaware of the emotional and physical hurdles couples face when trying to conceive. For some, the thought of attempting to have another child is too daunting, especially after a traumatic experience like mine. The near-death experience I endured during delivery is a scar that lingers.
5. “I can’t imagine how you cope. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing two kids.”
Some days, I struggle too. But we adapt and learn to navigate a new normal, and on tough days, we celebrate merely surviving. This comment serves as a painful reminder of our loss and the children we no longer have with us.
So, what can you say to a grieving parent? While no words can erase the pain, simply expressing your support is invaluable. For me, the most comforting thing is when someone mentions my angels by name—Lily and Max. Discussing their brief lives brings warmth to my heart and honors their memory. For more information on navigating the complexities of family and parenting, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and the journey of parenthood.
In conclusion, while grief is a deeply personal journey, the support and understanding of those around us can make a significant difference. If you’re looking to expand your family, consider exploring options like the Cryobaby at-home insemination kit or the 18-piece at-home insemination kit as you navigate this path.
Keyphrase: comments not to say to grieving parents
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