In fourth grade, my partner was quite the fashionable child. Drawing inspiration from the vibrant style of the 1980s, he sported pastel shirts, white blazers with rolled sleeves, and trendy jeans. Each morning was dedicated to perfecting his hairstyle and rehearsing his charismatic demeanor, which he fondly called his “Don Johnson” swagger. He spent time with girls, sang in a choir, and exuded confidence. Life as a 10-year-old was good for him.
However, some boys in his class, who merely perceived him as overly self-assured and unapologetically colorful, sought to undermine his confidence. They approached him on the playground, hurling insults and even shoving him. Yet, he remained unbothered. When they commented on his fashion choices, he simply replied, “Thanks, I like it too,” and returned to his friends. His confidence in his unique style was unwavering.
Fast forward three decades, and I now find myself parenting a 9-year-old son, Oliver, who shares his father’s fondness for pink, girls, and music, but is, unfortunately, more sensitive to others’ opinions.
The first instance of bullying Oliver faced came from an unexpected source—a mother. Around the age of 3, he donned a Tinker Bell costume while playing with two girls at the babysitter’s house. When the mother arrived to collect her daughters, she loudly questioned, “Why is that boy in a dress?” The babysitter quickly interjected, noting Oliver’s joy, but the mother continued, pulling her children away, suggesting they might be influenced by his attire. The babysitter calmly reassured her, “Embrace it, I’m sure.” That remark resonated with me.
Until that moment, Oliver had been blissfully unaware that wearing a dress could be deemed unusual. However, after hearing the mother’s comments, he inquired about it later. I struggled to contain my frustration but offered him comfort, and it seemed to work; he continued to embrace his Tinker Bell persona for a while.
As time passed, Oliver began to encounter bullying from peers who mocked him for diverging from traditional gender norms. He has faced ridicule for his speech, his friendships with girls, and even for wearing a pink shirt. Unlike his father, Oliver is not inclined to stand up for himself, making it essential for us to equip him with strategies and responses. He knows how to assertively say “Stop,” and has learned the importance of reporting bullying incidents to teachers. However, he primarily understands the value of steering clear of those who might diminish his self-worth or creativity.
Fortunately, Oliver is mostly surrounded by supportive friends and family who celebrate his individuality. His closest friend is a girl, and we reside in a community that largely accepts his choices. Nevertheless, I worry that external influences are slowly altering his self-expression. He’s transitioned from wearing pink to preferring gray, blue, and black, yet he channels his creativity through designing sparkly dresses for paper dolls at home.
As parents, it’s crucial to instill in our children the belief that it’s unacceptable to crush another child’s spirit. While we should encourage them to embrace their individuality, it is equally vital to foster respect for others’ differences. Oliver’s experience with his first bully—a mother—serves as a reminder that our children observe and absorb our actions and words. We possess the power to model acceptance and kindness.
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In summary, nurturing our children to cope with bullying involves modeling acceptance and resilience while equipping them with the tools they need to stand strong in their identity.
Keyphrase: Coping with Bullying
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