Dear Jake,
May I call you Jake?
Firstly, I owe you an apology. After viewing your remarkable performance in The Untamed, I finally understood the reasoning behind your unconventional hairstyle. I must admit, the rugged, Jack Nicholson vibe had me a tad concerned. I should have recognized it as part of your transformation for the role. I apologize for doubting you for a moment, but I also find it easier to grasp your affinity for supermodels now.
That brings me to the purpose of this letter: I would like to propose myself as your date for the Oscars. Sure, I know you’ll probably take your beloved mother, Patricia, as you affectionately call her. She certainly deserves that honor—after all, she brought you into this world! But hey, I’m just putting it out there.
You might wonder why a seemingly ordinary woman would reach out to you in such a way. Well, for starters, I’m not crazy. I’m currently wrapping up my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy this May, and technically, that means I’m quite sane.
While I may not be a model, I do have blonde hair. And while I’m not in my twenties anymore (I’m 33, but I’m often told I look much younger), I’ve come to terms with the fact that I only had a brief window to be considered one of your potential partners.
Yes, I’m a fan, but not in a way that could be categorized as obsessive. I haven’t even seen all your films; I struggled to finish Gangs of New York due to an odd aversion I have to Cameron Diaz. I know, it’s peculiar, but I do enjoy her as a person.
However, I did watch Titanic 11 times in theaters—perhaps a bit excessive, but I was only 15 at the time, so I’ll chalk it up to youthful exuberance.
Here are some compelling reasons you should consider me as your companion for the Oscars:
- We share a mutual appreciation for hip-hop. I was thrilled to learn that Kanye West performed at your birthday celebration—definitely a shared passion.
- You enjoy dancing, as evidenced by your energetic moves at Coachella. I love to dance too, and I could teach you a few new steps at the Vanity Fair after-party.
- My lucky number is 11, and your birthday is November 11th. Today is the 11th. Coincidence? I think not!
- I hail from the same city where your friend Adrian grew up. You know where to find me!
- I nearly became a child actor myself—I was cast in a commercial at 8 years old, but it didn’t pan out. Imagine the connections we could have made!
- My family are devoted Detroit Lions fans, even though we live in sunny California. I know you have a soft spot for the University of Michigan, which is a fun coincidence.
- I’m left-handed, which might sound trivial, but it could be a fun quirk you find charming.
- I promise I’m far more entertaining than those from Jersey Shore. I was genuinely devastated to find out Snooki got to hang out with you while I didn’t. Just please, never party with the Teen Mom cast—I might not survive it!
On a more serious note, I recognize that my enthusiasm might come off as a bit intense, but there’s one last significant reason why you should consider taking me to the Oscars.
This moment is yours. The stars have aligned, and while past losses may have stung, it’s clear this role is the one you were destined to be recognized for. It’s a role that has brought you pride, personal growth, and invaluable life lessons. You deserve to celebrate that achievement, and I would be honored to be the one who ensures no interruptions during your heartfelt acceptance speech.
Truthfully, you don’t have to take me to the Oscars; even a trip to the grocery store would suffice. I’m just a California girl, a wife, and a mother of two boys, who has worked hard to elevate myself through education and personal growth. But what truly matters is my genuine admiration for how you strive to remain grounded while advocating for essential global issues. Your dedication to animal welfare and environmental causes is inspiring, and for that, I can only say: “Wow, he looks good doing it!”
And who knows, maybe I could tag along to the Oscars with you!
Warmest regards,
Claire