In the early 2000s, if someone had suggested I, an ambitious, career-focused feminist, pause my extensive education to become a stay-at-home mom, I would have found that notion absurd. That was not the plan. However, life sometimes forces decisions upon us that we never anticipated.
Over the past eight years of motherhood, I have found myself navigating the challenges of stay-at-home parenting on two separate occasions. The first experience was relatively positive, while the second has been quite the opposite.
My initial journey took place in a small village in Turkey with my first child. As a full-time educator in a Turkish institution, I worked until just before my due date and intended to return to teaching the following year. However, a job transfer for my husband took us from a vibrant city to a remote location with few job prospects for me. It was a challenging time, but with the help of Martha Stewart’s programs (the only English-language shows available at the time), my Turkish neighbors, and the internet, I managed to adapt. By the end of that period, I had become a competent Turkish mom, but upon returning home two years later, I eagerly re-entered the workforce.
My second stint as a stay-at-home parent was not by choice. I was swept back into the role under the pretense of taking a short break to help my 2-year-old through a significant medical procedure. Unfortunately, this pause has turned into an indefinite assignment. After months of navigating the routines of school drop-offs and playground visits, it’s become painfully clear that being a stay-at-home mom in the U.S. is drastically different from my experience in Turkey, and I’m not excelling in this American-style version.
1. Insufficient Activewear
In my Turkish village, leaving the house was rare, and the go-to outfit was a floral scarf covering a bad hair day paired with a sweater vest (which I never embraced). Here in the U.S., daily school pick-ups demand a fresh look in coordinated athletic attire. Just last week, I overheard a mother referring to her “yoga-dress” — a term I still don’t quite grasp. While it’s evident that many of these moms didn’t just come from the gym, they all manage to look fantastic in their coordinated outfits. I’ve attempted to emulate this look, but my efforts were met with laughter from my husband. Guess I’ll stick to my jeans.
2. Dislike for Playgroups
In Turkey, social interactions were casual and fleeting, just bumping into people at the beach or park where kids could play without the pressure of structured meet-ups. American culture seems to insist that children need playgroups to learn social skills, which often leads to obligatory friendships with other parents who predominantly engage in playgroup activities. This isn’t ideal for me; I prefer spontaneous, low-key interactions without the pressure of forced camaraderie.
3. Aversion to Mom Conversations
While in Turkey, gatherings with other mothers were filled with light-hearted gossip rather than the intense focus on motherhood that permeates conversations here. In America, I find myself inundated with discussions about parenting at every turn, from parks to libraries, where eager moms are ready to chat. (For the record, I sometimes switch to speaking Turkish around other parents to avoid these dialogues.) While I can discuss topics like babywearing or breastfeeding, it’s not my preference — I’d much rather dive into humor or current events than baby-related topics.
4. Lack of Interest in Playing
U.S. moms seem to spend an inordinate amount of time engaging in play with their children. In Turkey, that responsibility often fell to grandmothers while mothers busied themselves elsewhere. I resonate more with this approach; I simply don’t have the time or inclination to constantly embark on imaginary adventures or set up elaborate games. If the kids want to challenge me to a round of Uno or a Lego battle, I can facilitate that — but only for a brief window of time.
5. Desire to Work
Much like my time in Turkey, I find that isolation does not suit me. Engaging in adult conversations that don’t revolve around diaper changes is crucial for my well-being. I prefer dressing in work attire and connecting with colleagues over shared grievances about management (not that I claim to be a model employee — I just genuinely enjoy the work environment).
I never anticipated that I would find myself more suited to motherhood in my husband’s culture than in my own. Nonetheless, I’m here now, determined to make the most of it, even if it means I need to invest in more yoga pants.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of American-style stay-at-home motherhood has proven to be a challenge for me. From wardrobe woes to social pressures, I find myself missing the more laid-back style I experienced in Turkey.
Keyphrase: American-style stay-at-home parenting
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