Parenting Insights
My eldest child, Jake, has always had a knack for negotiation. From the moment he uttered his first word, he has been in constant debate with me about everything from bedtime to extra TV time, and even the number of cookies he can have.
What I came to realize is that, beyond the allure of an additional episode of his favorite show or that seventh cookie, his primary desire is to feel a sense of control and accomplishment.
As adults, we often idealize childhood, overlooking the limited autonomy children actually have. It must be incredibly frustrating to have every aspect of their lives dictated—especially for an assertive and independent-minded child like Jake.
Rather than stifling his desire to exert control over his own decisions, I let him win occasionally. It’s not a free-for-all (I firmly draw the line at cookie number eight), but enough so he cultivates a robust sense of self and strong negotiation skills. Now that he is nearly 12 years old, I grant him even more independence. He is at an age where he can comprehend that poor choices can lead to natural consequences. As a result, I find myself relying less on punishments and more on concealed satisfaction.
Here are eight instances from this week where I allowed Jake to “win”:
- I refrained from insisting he eat breakfast. Our ongoing breakfast battle typically ends with me forcing him to eat something. This week, however, I opted to let it slide. He returned from school feeling miserable and hungry, ultimately making himself cereal the following day without any prompting.
- I didn’t enforce wearing a jacket or carrying an umbrella during a downpour. He ended up soaked. I managed to contain my laughter (mostly).
- I permitted him to indulge in computer games after school before tackling his homework. He lost track of time and stayed up late finishing his assignments. The next day, he decided to prioritize his homework right after school—my head was filled with the “I told you so” refrain.
- I allowed him to spend his own $40 on a poorly rated remote-control helicopter. It broke within an hour, and though my heart ached along with his, I resisted the urge to return his money.
- I didn’t make him clean his room. He ended up losing a library book, two favorite pairs of pants, and $3. When he finally found the library books, he had to use the $3, which he discovered in those lost pants, to pay the overdue fees.
- I neglected to enforce his chores, including taking out the trash and doing the dishes. I didn’t do them either. He ended up with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on napkins beside a stinky, overflowing garbage. Meanwhile, I enjoyed my takeout sushi, suppressing a grin.
- I let him hang on the dog gate, despite my repeated warnings that it would break. It did break, and the dog chewed up five of his treasured baseball cards. I had to bite my tongue to avoid lecturing him.
- I didn’t make him give me a hug in front of his friends on the first day of school. I wasn’t smirking afterward; in fact, I had to wipe away a few tears. However, when he waved at me from the “cool section” in the back of the bus, my heart did a little happy dance.
The reality is, our children won’t be with us forever. While fostering obedience may ease our parenting journey, teaching them about the natural consequences of their choices will be invaluable throughout their lives. I acknowledge that there are still plenty of moments where I lay down the law (that eighth cookie will always be off-limits!). However, I strive to allow him to win whenever possible—even when those wins may lead to loss in the long run.
For more insights on parenting and related topics, consider exploring resources like Mayo Clinic’s information on IVF, or check out Make A Mom for guidance on home insemination strategies.
Summary:
In this article, I discuss the benefits of allowing my son, Jake, to experience small victories in decision-making, which helps him develop a strong sense of self and negotiation skills. By permitting him to encounter natural consequences, I aim to teach him valuable life lessons while balancing the need for parental guidance.
Keyphrase: Allowing Children to Win
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]