Resilient individuals who rise after setbacks often disrupt the status quo; they are challenging yet valuable—an exhilarating kind of risk. — Brené Brown, Rising Strong
He tumbled at least five times. Perhaps more. I lost track.
With every fall, I held my breath, anxious about his physical and emotional well-being. Each tumble felt like a small fracture in my heart. Isn’t that the nature of love? To ache when we witness those we cherish experience hardship?
After the initial falls, I questioned our decision to visit the park. We could have remained at home, safe and comfortable. It was my son Ethan’s idea to create our own American Ninja Warrior course. Yet here he was, feeling defeated and frustrated after each fall.
My younger son had already breezed through the course, completing each obstacle in less than three minutes. “Amazing job, Oliver!” we cheered. “You’re a real ninja warrior!”
Then it was Ethan’s turn. His start was shaky, but he quickly gained momentum—until he reached the last challenge.
Barefoot, he stepped onto the narrow beam and attempted to walk across it. Almost immediately, he lost his balance and fell. Undeterred, he tried crawling, emulating his younger brother, wrapping his limbs around the beam like a monkey.
He fell again.
He scrambled back on, inching up a few feet before falling once more. Up again. Another tumble.
“Come on, you’ve got this!” I encouraged.
He persisted. He fell, then got back up again. And again. Each fall reddened his face, sweat-soaked hair clinging to his forehead. The seconds on my iPhone stopwatch kept ticking up.
My husband and I exchanged apprehensive glances, foreseeing how this would unfold. Ethan’s frustration was evident—tears brimmed in his eyes, and exasperated groans accompanied each fall. We’d witnessed this scenario countless times before. He would soon grow too tired, too frustrated, too angry. I braced myself for the inevitable outburst: “I can’t do it!” I could hardly blame him; I would have likely given up by now. Yet, we continued cheering him on, equally anxious and proud.
As time dragged on and he fell yet again, he climbed back on the beam. He attempted his brother’s technique once more, but once more he fell.
This time, however, he held on tightly. Instead of giving up, he crawled up the beam, albeit upside down. Not quite a monkey, perhaps more like a sloth? He moved slowly but steadily, inching his way to the top.
“Woo-hoo!” we erupted. “You did it!”
“What was my time?” he inquired.
Oliver had finished much faster, and I steeled myself for a potential meltdown. As the elder sibling, I understood the sting of losing to a younger sibling all too well.
Ethan collapsed on a nearby bench to catch his breath. A few moments later, he sat up and exclaimed, “Oliver, that last obstacle was incredibly tough. You did an awesome job!”
My husband and I exchanged astonished looks. Where was the anticipated breakdown? Where was the anger? Where were the excuses? Ethan seemed genuinely proud and even happy for his brother.
As we walked back to the starting line, we congratulated him—not for achieving something monumental, but for demonstrating perseverance. He had fallen numerous times, yet he had risen each time. That alone was remarkable.
He hadn’t scored a winning point or excelled in a subject. He hadn’t been elected to a prestigious role or received accolades. He simply conquered an obstacle course one hot afternoon. He had shown resilience and grace.
We often tell our children to be brave and work hard, encouraging them to take risks and embrace challenges. But as Brené Brown notes in Rising Strong, “When we dare greatly, we consent to facing difficulties.” This journey is not only painful, but it’s also often messy. Resilience manifests in flushed faces, sweat-soaked hair, gritted teeth, and tear-stained cheeks. It encompasses falls and missteps, which are uncomfortable for everyone involved. So we tend to look away.
As parents, we naturally celebrate our children’s successes—big and small—and they deserve our recognition. However, there is a tendency to overlook the struggles, to sidestep the falls, and to skip the battles. This applies not only to our children’s challenges but our own as well. We often discuss our struggles only after we’ve emerged from them.
Watching someone we love fall is an agonizing experience. We wish to prevent their falls or to help them up when they do stumble. As parents, our instinct is to shield them from pain and to cultivate their happiness. We emphasize achievements, celebrating victories like aced tests and sports wins. However, I wonder if, in doing so, we sometimes overlook the grit that accompanies those successes.
Focusing only on outcomes may inadvertently suggest to our children that a fall equates to failure. We risk creating a culture where struggles are seen as solitary endeavors, where individuals believe they are somehow failing because they face challenges, while others appear to succeed effortlessly.
Earlier this summer, Ethan pitched during his first baseball game. I feared he would struggle and leave the mound in tears. Yet after walking one batter, he struck out three in a row, stunning us all. We collectively sighed in relief, and people praised him for his achievement. I shared the moment online, basking in the joy of the evening.
However, I would prefer to commend Ethan for his determination during that sweltering day at the park. When he inevitably faces obstacles again, I want him to remember his resilience, to recognize that he has risen before and can do so again. I want him to take pride in his effort, not merely in fortunate outcomes—he showed courage when it meant falling hard, yet he persisted. He climbed in his own way, on his own terms, embodying both grit and grace.
In conclusion, nurturing resilience in our children involves acknowledging their struggles as much as their successes. By celebrating perseverance, we cultivate a mindset that values effort and determination over mere outcomes, ensuring they understand that falls are part of the journey.
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Keyphrase: Raising Resilient Children
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