Welcome to the neighborhood! I owe you an apology for not stopping by to introduce myself properly. Honestly, I felt terrible for my lack of etiquette. Just this morning, I noticed you waved, and in my attempt to wave back, my coffee mug decided to unleash its contents all over my lap. Ouch! That loud exclamation you heard as I drove by? Yeah, that was not directed at you, even though it may have seemed that way with my window down and our eyes meeting. I was just a bit flustered after cleaning up after my dog, who had a rather unfortunate morning incident.
After reflecting on my less-than-graceful moments, I thought it best to write you a note so you don’t think of us as the “crazy neighbor family” who you need to steer clear of.
Funny Encounters
Last weekend, while walking my dog (yes, I did manage to not spill my drink this time), I waved at you, and I noticed a puzzled look on your face when you waved back. I found out later that I had been wearing a pink tiara covered in rhinestones—a Christmas gift from my son. I stumbled upon it while unpacking from our move over a year ago. In a moment of nostalgia, I popped it on my head to make him smile, completely forgetting it was there while taking the dog out. I promise I’m not the type to walk my dog in a tiara every day. Well, I guess I am now!
Oh, and about that rather loud conversation you overheard in my backyard—having three boys aged 7 to 12 can get chaotic! I wasn’t actually considering taping my son’s backside with duct tape for his incessant farting on his brother’s head, I assure you. In the heat of the moment, I may have yelled that if my 12-year-old asked me one more time to wipe his butt, I would make him wipe mine. I promise I can handle my own hygiene; I just get a bit weary of reminding him to take care of himself!
Clarifications
I also want to apologize for the ladder incident. My son told you he couldn’t ask me because I was having “Mommy’s Naked Time.” To clarify, this is my clever ploy to get some uninterrupted time on the couch playing Candy Crush. I tell my boys I’m busy in my room to avoid them barging in. Apparently, they’ve dubbed this quiet time “Mommy’s Naked Time.” Ha!
And then there was that moment this afternoon when my youngest came looking for me and went to your house. I know it must’ve caused you some concern. The kids were at it again, having a “sword fight” with their pee in the bathroom. I was overwhelmed and needed a break, so I hid in my closet (it’s surprisingly peaceful in there). I’m really sorry if my son’s panic made you call the police, thinking something terrible had happened to me.
Invitation
I promise I’m usually a friendly neighbor, and I’d love to have you over for dinner. I’ve talked to my boys about not using dried dog poop as ammo in their Nerf battles, so hopefully, that won’t be an issue if your kids come over to play. We have plenty of drinks—wine, beer, and various spirits—just let me know when you’re free, and we can plan something.
Helpful Resources
If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out this excellent resource from the Mayo Clinic. Also, for those looking to boost their fertility, you might find this post about fertility boosters for men quite helpful. And if you’re in need of a home insemination kit, I recommend this one.
Best,
Your New Neighbors