When my neighbor invited me to a dinner exclusively for women in our community, I engaged in several preparations. I consulted my calendar, checked the restaurant’s menu online (including the martini options), and reached out to see what outfits others planned to wear. I switched my outfit choice multiple times and contemplated whether to carry my larger purse or a smaller clutch, all while pondering if I’d be warm enough without a jacket.
However, amidst all this planning, do you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t ask my husband if it was acceptable for me to attend.
Of course, I informed him, as that is simply considerate. “Hey, Alex, I’m going to dinner with the ladies on Wednesday. Will you be home, or should I find a sitter?” But there’s a distinct difference between letting your spouse know about your plans and actually asking for their permission.
The beauty of adulthood is that you are no longer under someone else’s authority. I may have never received the pony I yearned for as a child, but as a grown-up, I could theoretically acquire one by this weekend if I wished. I could even place it in my living room if that was my desire. And frankly, no one could stop me because I am an adult, free from needing to answer to anyone (except perhaps for the police).
Now, while that’s a rather unrealistic example, the point stands: I did not transition from my parents’ home just to move in with someone else who dictates my actions. My husband is not my parent; he is my partner.
Children need to ask for permission because their parents hold authority over them, and rightly so; children often lack sound judgment. Without limits, they would likely stay up late on school nights and indulge in candy breakfasts. As parents, we are tasked with making hard choices for their well-being, guiding them until they can assess situations and consequences for themselves.
To seek permission from your spouse suggests a lack of trust in your ability to make sound decisions, which I cannot endorse. There is nothing wrong with discussing plans with each other beforehand; in fact, it’s essential for avoiding conflicts like double-booking or overlooking important commitments. For instance, if my husband wishes to enroll our son in soccer, he will talk to me first, recognizing that it involves my commitment to driving him to practices. Conversely, if he intends to buy a new laptop, I might remind him that we need to replace the car tires next month. After that discussion, I trust him to make the most appropriate decision for all of us.
This is why our traditional wedding vows omitted the word “obey.” I want my dog to obey, not my spouse. I have no need to control him, nor would I want to be with someone who seeks to dictate my actions. Trust is crucial in a successful relationship; if one partner feels the need to control the other, it signals deeper issues that must be addressed beyond mere weekend plans.
I have no intention of behaving as my husband’s mother. I already receive countless requests for permission from my children each day. It is reassuring to know that I am with someone who does not feel the need—or hold the power—to grant me permission for my choices.
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In summary, maintaining independence within a partnership is crucial. Clear communication and mutual respect foster trust and understanding, allowing each partner to thrive without the need for permission.
Keyphrase: independence in marriage
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