I once believed that having children wouldn’t drastically alter my life. I envisioned myself maintaining a full-time job, enjoying nights out with friends, and never having a problem finding childcare. I imagined family vacations, romantic getaways with my partner, and confidently strutting around in heels until I was well into my golden years. I thought makeup would always be a part of my routine, and my weekends would be dedicated to catching up on sleep. My kids would never watch cartoons like Dora, and I’d ensure they were always dressed to the nines. If I had a daughter, her hair would be neatly styled, and I would indulge my kids in warm bubble baths and cozy snuggles every evening.
However, my aspirations shifted dramatically after welcoming two wonderful children into my life, filling a void I never knew existed. I love them deeply, but the truth is, I often feel completely unprepared for the journey of motherhood.
I made the decision to become a stay-at-home mom when my daughter was just nine months old, right after we relocated to a new state. Without family nearby and lacking a solid support network, I chose this path in fear of navigating childcare alone in a town where I felt like a stranger. I figured that staying home was the safest option for my family. Surely, I could always return to work someday, right?
Now, my days are filled with sippy cups, wiping noses, and mediating between two little ones who frequently clash. When my kids are sick, I often find myself feeling worse than they do—like when I’m stuck on the bathroom floor, overwhelmed and alone while my partner travels for work. Fast forward five and a half years, and my husband and I have yet to enjoy our long-desired adults-only vacation. We did manage one family trip, but traveling with kids is pricy!
Speaking of costs, babysitting rates are sky-high, so instead of enjoying date nights, I funnel that budget into doctor appointments, which are always booked months in advance. And let’s not even mention the price of women’s clothing—my heels have seen their last days, replaced by comfy yoga pants and T-shirts that I can grab in a hurry while juggling a screaming toddler in a stroller. Makeup? That’s a distant memory.
The reality is, I often feel totally out of my depth. Each day feels like a struggle to keep afloat in a life I never envisioned. I frequently find myself questioning everything—didn’t I have a job to go to this morning? What are these stretch marks doing on my body? Can’t Grandma help with the kids so I can focus on their appointments? I love my children immensely, but this isn’t the life I expected.
I often find myself envious of those moms who seem to navigate motherhood effortlessly. I go to bed each night with guilt weighing on my mind—too much screen time, not enough outdoor activity, unbrushed hair, forgotten vitamins, and moments when I’ve told my kids to “wait just a minute” while I tackle laundry. Here I am, writing a blog post about feeling lost while juggling a napping child and a grumpy one.
I can’t shake the feeling that my kids deserve more from me. Perhaps it stems from the fact that they’re growing up in a different environment than I did. My grandparents were a stone’s throw away, and if I wanted a treat, I could easily pop over for a scoop of ice cream. My kids’ grandparents live miles away, and I often wonder if having family close by would give me that extra boost of confidence to go out more and seek help.
While I cherish my time with my children and appreciate the last five years spent with my eldest before she heads to kindergarten, I still miss the sense of purpose that came from working. Why can’t the experience of raising the future generation feel fulfilling enough for me? The truth is, I’m not a fan of arts and crafts, and the smell of milk and dirty diapers is not my cup of tea. Sucking boogers from my kids’ noses? Definitely not something I signed up for.
Motherhood is a challenge, especially when you expect it to fit neatly into your pre-baby life. So, if you’re one of those soon-to-be moms sitting in an office, dreaming of a perfect life with children while scrolling through blogs, let go of those expectations. Life with kids is wonderfully chaotic, and they will teach you a love like no other. Don’t underestimate your ability to adapt, but also remember that your life will change in ways you never anticipated.
In a world where parenting often looks flawless online, we must not forget the importance of sharing our struggles. I doubt I’ll ever find complete confidence in my role as a mother. As my children grow, new challenges will arise, and just when I think I’ve got it figured out, everything shifts. Surely, I can’t be the only one feeling this way?
Today, I’m choosing to celebrate the fact that just because I feel like I’m falling short, it doesn’t mean I am.
If you’re feeling like you’re failing at motherhood, welcome to the club. If guilt follows you to bed each night, know you’re not alone. If you’ve been home for days, overwhelmed by the thought of managing your little ones, that’s perfectly okay. Your kids will love you unconditionally, no matter what.
Becoming a mom means losing a part of yourself, but perhaps that was necessary. Turns out, yoga pants are a great fit after all.
In short, my kids adore Dora, and I’m just a hot mess trying my best while learning to let go of guilt. That’s the true essence of motherhood, my friends.
Photos by Katie Hall Creative.
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Summary
Motherhood can be a tumultuous and sometimes overwhelming journey. The expectations we have before becoming parents often clash with the realities of raising children. It’s okay to feel out of your element and struggle with feelings of guilt. Embrace the messiness, lean on your support system, and remember that your love is what matters most.
Keyphrase: motherhood challenges
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