Parenting has taken center stage in my life lately. It’s a role I’m immersed in, and it recently led me to seek therapy for the challenges it presents. Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I’ve found myself grappling with my own upbringing, realizing that my parents raised me in a way that contrasts sharply with my parenting approach. This reflection isn’t about comparison, but rather an awakening to the dysfunction of my childhood, which has prompted me to confront some lingering issues. Generational differences in parenting styles are common, often resulting in feelings of isolation among parents—something known as mom loneliness—paired with the ever-present mommy guilt.
My parents had my brother and me when they were just 18 and 19, and we were unplanned. Ill-equipped emotionally, they did their best to ensure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat, but they were still navigating their own unresolved issues from their past. My father, an immigrant, endured a harsh upbringing with a violent father, while my mother grew up in poverty with an alcoholic parent.
Shortly after my daughter was born, I found myself reflecting on the sacrifices my parents made. However, I began to recognize that these sacrifices were often tainted with resentment—resentment toward each other and toward us as children. These feelings manifested in my father’s infidelities and aggressiveness and my mother’s passive aggression, which we often bore the brunt of. From their perspective, they believed they were working hard to provide us with better lives than they had experienced.
As I became more aware of the dysfunction in my upbringing and the neglect I faced, my protectiveness toward my child intensified, leading to significant trust issues. I began distancing myself from friends and avoided taking breaks, fearing babysitters. I became obsessed with doing everything “right,” despite not knowing what that meant, relying instead on my instincts and advice from the internet, fellow moms, and various parenting books.
During visits with my parents, several interactions stood out, revealing their parenting style. For instance, when my dad remarked on my daughter’s intelligence, he questioned, “What if she isn’t smart?” This perplexed me, as I already saw her as bright. Another moment involved breastfeeding; my father had to leave the room, visibly distressed, while my mother jokingly held my baby and told her to tell me to “shut up.” Such interactions underscored the lack of respect we experienced as children and illuminated the “do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do” mentality prevalent in our household.
Years before motherhood, I had moved across the country to pursue a career and eventually found work at a nonprofit focused on anti-violence. There, I learned about the impacts of abuse on children and the importance of healthy relationships. I began to build my self-esteem while helping others whose backgrounds mirrored my own. However, the solitude of being home alone with my daughter while my partner worked long hours led my thoughts down a toxic path. I started to confront anger over my childhood and realized I had been using work as a distraction from my unresolved issues. Returning to work triggered memories and feelings that were difficult to manage, ultimately resulting in my layoff, which allowed me to focus on healing.
As the first in my social circle to become a parent, I kept my inner struggles hidden during visits with friends, not wanting to alarm them. My daughter’s erratic sleep schedule compounded my feelings of isolation, while I sensed that my friends were grappling with their own challenges. This loneliness was suffocating and negatively impacted my self-esteem. I felt guilty for my distrust of my own family and sought help from a therapist to navigate my past and rebuild my confidence.
Through therapy, I connected with other moms, realizing how vital friendships can be during this tumultuous journey of parenthood. We all face unique challenges—be it a partner who isn’t pulling their weight, health issues in our children, or battling postpartum depression. Most parents strive to create a better life for their children, drawing from their own experiences—whether it’s my dad’s parents emigrating to escape hardship or my mother’s mother leaving an abusive relationship for safety.
While I do not hold resentment towards my parents for their parenting, I acknowledge the healing I must do to address my anxieties and build my confidence to be a better mother. My goal is to ensure my child feels loved and respected, fostering an environment where she can safely navigate her own struggles and seek support from others—potentially even from me if she feels anger toward my parenting decisions.
In conclusion, parenting is an overwhelming journey filled with love and inevitable mistakes. I know I will make my share of errors, but I hope to cultivate a nurturing environment for my daughter, enabling her to grow into a compassionate and resilient individual.
For anyone exploring parenting or insemination options, check out this insightful resource on pregnancy and home insemination at NICHD. You can also explore our blog post on the at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit and learn more about the baby maker home insemination kit for those considering self-insemination.
Keyphrase: Parenting and Therapy
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