I hate to break the news, but not only have the summer clothes been whisked away from the racks (seriously, it’s still July!), but the cowl neck is back in style. Yes, I know it’s disheartening—this dreadful neckline is making a comeback. A few years ago, the cowl had a brief resurgence that thankfully fizzled out, but now it seems to be back in full force. It’s like a cowl conspiracy, and I am not here for it.
Let’s be clear: not all cowls are created equal, and I shouldn’t lump them all together. Designers would have us believe that there’s a cowl for every woman out there. The oversized, bulky knit cowls are not the same as the softer, more casual versions in finer materials. But honestly, I’ve yet to meet a cowl I liked. Never.
As fashion-conscious women, we need to unite against the cowl neck trend and banish this fashion faux pas from our wardrobes. Seriously, who decided that cowls would flatter women of all shapes and sizes? Did Calvin or Ralph suddenly think, “Cowls look fantastic on monks; let’s see how they work on women!”?
My aversion to cowl necks began in my teenage years, a time when girls are exploring their identities and figuring out how they want to present themselves to the world. I quickly decided that I did not want to be associated with cowl necks—not even in passing. When friends asked for my opinion on their Jordache outfits before heading to a football game, I would stuff my mouth with a cookie and pretend I couldn’t speak, just to avoid appearing sympathetic to the cowl trend.
You have to understand, I was small-chested in high school (still am), and cowl necks were everywhere. In 1983, every store I visited screamed “Cowl!” I never understood the appeal. There were cowl neck shirts, dresses, and especially sweaters—pastel angora ones, no less! (Don’t even get me started on angora!) When I tried one on, the drape was always off. Plus, I wanted to see my toes when I looked down, you know?
More than that, I felt suffocated by cowls and turtlenecks, which often had zippers at the back, making it difficult to breathe. You know those ones with snaps in the crotch? Oh, the horror! I felt trapped, and the lack of options in stores seemed to conspire against me, forcing me into wearing cowls. Going without a shirt would have felt liberating, but I was too worried about how others would perceive me, and showing off my small breasts was definitely not on my agenda. Back then, online shopping did not exist—no Zappos or Shopbop to rescue me from the cookie-cutter mall styles. I was stuck in cowl neck purgatory.
Even my mother, a known cowl neck enthusiast, thwarted my attempts to boycott this style. She looked good in cowls and assumed I would, too. She frequently purchased them for me, and I vaguely remember her having to coax me into wearing one for a fancy dinner out.
It’s not that I don’t think cowls look good on others—I do! My mom rocked them, and I remember Loni Anderson and Valerie Bertinelli looking fabulous in their cowl necks on TV. But maybe that’s the crux of the matter: to wear a cowl well, you need the right assets and a stylist to perfect that drape. How many of us fit that bill?
In moments of self-doubt, I wonder if I’m being too harsh on the cowl. Perhaps the issue lies with me rather than the cowl itself? I seem to lack the know-how to manage the fabric bunching up right at my non-existent chest. Maybe I’m the real fashion disaster? Oh, please, that’s absurd; I refuse to accept that as a personal flaw.
I know there are plenty of necklines that I get along with, like halters and strapless styles. My neckline options have expanded since my teenage years, or so I thought. Yet, the overwhelming presence of cowls in my local stores suggests something sinister in the fashion industry. Just the other day at Marshalls, every single sweater seemed to be a cowl! Is New Hampshire the epicenter of this trend, or is it a more widespread issue?
We can’t let this happen, ladies. We must take a stand. I can’t return to a world where everyone at work is wearing cowls, and my eighth graders think they’re the latest fashion from Forever 21. Heaven forbid my mom digs out her old cowls from the attic!
It’s just too much to handle.