“I’m really sorry. It’s just how my brain works.”
That was the unexpected apology my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Lily, came up with after a dramatic meltdown in class the day before, during which she abruptly severed ties with her best friend. As the responsible parent of a child with Asperger’s, I attempted to redirect her toward a more traditional apology. I told her that her words seemed like a cop-out and didn’t convey true remorse.
“Why don’t you tell her you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean it, and that she’s still your friend? Promise you won’t yell again…”
Her response was refreshingly direct: “It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. That’s what I’m saying.”
Despite my insistence on redefining her apology, she boarded the bus for school, still anxious. She fixated on needing ME to compose an apology for her, overwhelmed by the thought of writing—an activity she finds physically draining.
That morning, while I processed my feelings of inadequacy as a mother for not helping her see things differently, it dawned on me that I might have been pushing too hard. In my quest to teach her about “Theory of Mind”—the understanding that others think and feel differently—I unintentionally invalidated her own struggles.
This is a common occurrence. Because she is high-functioning, people often assume she has more control than she actually does. They overlook her sensory overload, struggles with social nuances, and motor skill challenges that, while not severe enough for therapy, still impact her daily life. The judgment comes through in their stares and comments: a spoiled child, in need of discipline.
Lily sometimes exhibits behavior reminiscent of Veruca Salt, demanding a new stuffed animal as a solution to her emotional overwhelm, seeking solace in something tangible amid the chaos of sensory input and social cues. While her approach may not make sense to us, in those moments, it’s a desperate attempt to find clarity.
After her outburst at school, she called me from the principal’s office. “I’m having a hard day,” she confessed. “She said she couldn’t come to my birthday party, and I told her she wasn’t my friend anymore, but I was being sarcastic.”
“Sweetheart, that’s not sarcasm,” I replied, feeling defeated. Sarcasm has been a tricky concept for her, and she often misuses it in attempts to explain away her feelings. I knew I needed to better clarify it for her.
I was quick to point out her mistakes: throwing tantrums in school and misusing words like sarcasm. Yet, I realized she was simply feeling hurt and confused when her friend declined her invitation due to prior commitments. Overwhelmed by emotions, she couldn’t process the situation logically and reacted explosively. I felt sympathy for the innocent friend and even more for my daughter, struggling to navigate this straightforward social situation through her unique lens.
While I regret the distress my child caused another girl and the challenges she presents to those around her, I also recognize that she’s right when she says, “It’s the Asperger’s.” She’s still young, after all, and her high-functioning autism is often invisible to outsiders.
Yes, she is bright, charming, and delightful most of the time. But there will be instances when she has outbursts that seem socially inappropriate, perhaps even while wearing a sparkling dress. It may not fit society’s expectations, but I have to remind myself: “I’m sorry. It’s the Asperger’s.”
On a positive note, her teacher later informed me that Lily did manage to apologize to her friend at school. She dug deep and found a way to express herself, and for that, I couldn’t be prouder.
Additional Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, navigating parenting a child with Asperger’s involves a delicate balance of understanding and patience. While children like Lily may struggle with social interactions and emotional regulation, they also have unique ways of processing their feelings and can learn to express themselves in their own authentic voices.
Keyphrase: Parenting a child with Asperger’s
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