As I reflect on my teenage years, the thought of my parents revealing they had been married to others before each other sends a shiver down my spine. Thankfully, I was never on the receiving end of that news; my parents have been happily married for over 40 years, still sharing sweet moments like holding hands. However, I find myself rehearsing this same conversation for my own two children, so they won’t stumble upon this information by chance.
I married at 28, but that union ended just three years later. My current husband, Max, had an even shorter first marriage. Neither of us had children during those relationships, and while the separations felt devastating at the time, they were ultimately amicable. Friends often said, “At least you didn’t have kids,” which, honestly, wasn’t the most comforting sentiment during such a tough time. As everyone else around us celebrated new beginnings with weddings and babies, we were navigating mediations and worrying about properties that suddenly felt burdensome without a partner to share the load.
I humorously considered my dating profile would read as SWD (single with dog), referring to my beloved rescue pup, Charlie, who had severe separation anxiety. We were two kindred spirits who both struggled with the aftermath of loss.
At 32, discussing my divorce with potential dates felt daunting. Would they picture me as the crazy cat lady with a shopping addiction? I worried about what family, coworkers, and even the clerk at the DMV would think when I updated my license. Back then, I felt like I was living in a bygone era, where divorce seemed uncommon in my circle.
Fast forward four years, and I found myself married again, with two wonderful kids in tow. Those earlier worries about societal perceptions faded away. But now, a new concern has emerged: how to explain to my children that both their parents were married before.
With my kids now aged 3 and 5, I realize this conversation can’t be avoided. I want to ensure they learn about our pasts from us, rather than discovering it through old photographs or casual comments from family. My husband views this as a non-issue, but for me, the anxiety is real.
My daughter has already asked about divorce, and I’ve done my best to explain it in a child-friendly manner. “Sometimes, two people decide not to stay married for different reasons—maybe they don’t get along or something hurtful happens. But that won’t happen with Mom and Dad,” I reassure her. She even playfully divorced her imaginary friend, Mr. Greenbean, because he was “mean.” Does that mean she can understand?
I’m torn on whether to mention that while we intend to stay together, both Max and I have experienced divorce. I don’t want to scare her, but I also want to avoid making it feel like a hidden truth. Should this be a casual mention or a structured conversation?
In the end, I realize the best approach is simply to be honest. It’s a significant part of my story, one that led to the love I have now and to the beautiful children I cherish.
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In summary, while the idea of discussing past marriages with my children feels daunting, it’s an important conversation that can pave the way for openness and honesty in our family.
Keyphrase: telling kids about past marriages
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