To the woman who had an affair with my spouse,
Three years ago, my husband, who I’d been married to for seven years at the time, betrayed me. I made the decision to stay with him afterward. It’s crucial to address the misconceptions about women like me who choose to remain in their marriages post-infidelity.
Let Me Clarify a Few Things About Myself:
I am not a doormat. I proudly identify as a feminist, a staunch advocate for consent. However, I did not give my consent for you to engage with my husband. Perhaps your past relationships were different; maybe you always practiced safe intimacy or only involved yourself with single partners. Regardless, my husband broke that trust with me.
Being a feminist doesn’t mean I lack self-worth or that I would flee at the first sign of betrayal. In fact, choosing to remain with someone who has cheated can indicate that I don’t equate my self-esteem with their poor choices. His transgressions do not reflect on me.
Financially, we were not in a position to support an affair. I work part-time, juggling my responsibilities as I raise our three children. When he spent money on you—gifting you jewelry—he was taking away from our family. That money could have been spent on our children’s needs. While you may have been craving affection and validation, your relationship with him came at a cost to our family and our marriage. By accepting those gifts, you participated in that theft.
Contrary to What You Might Believe
My marriage was healthy before his infidelity. We enjoyed an active and fulfilling intimate life, shared laughter, and emotional connection. Cheating can stem from various issues, but it doesn’t always mean the marriage is failing. Sometimes, individuals cheat due to their personal struggles, not because their spouse isn’t fulfilling their needs.
I don’t want to hear that my husband was lonely. Given your circumstances, how could you think he was being honest with you? I refuse to take relationship advice from someone involved in an affair.
Divorce is still a possibility for us. Healing from infidelity doesn’t adhere to a timeline. If only I knew when the emotional weight would lift, I could brace myself for it. Instead, I find myself revisiting the past when I discovered the secret messages between you two. The pain resurfaces, and I must push through it daily, all while maintaining a façade for our children.
Your Casual View of the Affair
Your casual view of the affair is irrelevant to me. It was anything but casual for my marriage. The thought that you engaged with him for mere amusement is painful. If I were to leave my husband now, I’m not sure I could ever open my heart again, just as you likely feel wary after your choices.
Strangely, I find gratitude in your affair. It may sound absurd, but it forced me to confront my vulnerabilities and reassess my relationship. It brought my husband and me closer together, as we both learned to communicate more openly. This experience has shown me that I possess a depth of forgiveness I didn’t know existed within me.
Acceptance and Healing
I understand that you owe me nothing. By choosing to stay with him, I accepted the reality of your affair. I’ve committed to therapy and remind myself daily of my choice to embrace marriage, despite the pain. Even three years later, the hurt lingers. Your messages are etched in my mind, a reminder of the past that I must carry forward.
What I’ve learned is that sometimes staying is the more challenging path. Our lives are intertwined now—your actions have had consequences that affect us both. I forgive you for your role in this, even in the absence of an apology. Perhaps one day you’ll recognize the impact of your choices and find a way to move forward without shame.
Resources for Further Exploration
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In Summary
Navigating the aftermath of an affair is complex. It has forced me to confront my strengths, my vulnerabilities, and the fragility of relationships. I am committed to healing and growing, both as a person and within my marriage.
Keyphrase: infidelity and healing
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