While you may be fretting over climate change, melting ice caps, or those asteroids hurtling toward Earth, let me present a more immediate concern: Australia is experiencing a shower of spiders. Yes, you read that correctly. It seems like the ideal time to consider relocating to another planet, perhaps one like the one featured in Interstellar or even the whimsical world of WALL-E.
To put it plainly: it’s raining spiders. As a fully grown man with a lovely wife, two kids, a financial planner (for some reason), hotel loyalty cards, a cleaning solution for my stove, and a Honda, I’m not embarrassed to admit that the thought of spiders falling from the sky makes me want to find refuge in a kangaroo pouch or hide beneath a kookaburra or whatever survival instinct kicks in during a downpour of arachnids.
I have a profound fear of two things: heights and spiders. Well, I’m slightly wary of whales too, but who wouldn’t be? They’re massive! People often say, “Oh, they’re harmless creatures that only eat tiny sea life and sing soothing songs.” Right, but what if that’s just what the pro-whale lobby wants us to think? What if they’re secretly feasting on dolphins and old shipwrecked pirates? You can never be too sure about whales, I say.
And spiders? I loathe them. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid watching Arachnophobia for the last 25 years, and I’ve also skipped most of John Goodman’s filmography for good measure. Even the fun facts about spiders in my son’s books—like the disturbing notion that an average person unknowingly swallows about 3,500 spiders in their sleep each year—don’t charm me. Instead, they symbolize humanity’s failures, considering we can create spray-on butter and microwavable cheeseburgers but can’t seem to stop insects from crawling into our mouths at night. If there are any scientists out there working on anything else, please redirect your efforts to this pressing matter before I end up consuming a tarantula in my sleep.
Now, feast your eyes on this picture from Australia. Of course, this bizarre occurrence is happening there—akin to Florida’s reputation, but with fewer drive-thru pharmacies and more scorpions the size of baseball gloves. What’s covering the ground isn’t snow; it’s spider webs. It resembles a buffet for spiders, crafted entirely from trapped insects and airborne debris, so much healthier than your average Golden Corral.
Then there’s my 11-year-old, who insists that all creatures, including spiders, deserve humane treatment. He’s scolded me for eliminating household spiders, suggesting I should escort them out like VIPs—an act that would probably make even the Dalai Lama cringe.
Experts claim these spiders may be utilizing a migration technique known as ballooning, climbing to tree tops and releasing silk strands to catch the wind, allowing them to surf across the skies. However, I think I speak for humanity when I say: regardless of their intentions, it’s terrifying, and Australia could use some flamethrowers right about now.
True story: I once had a nightmare about a spider crawling on my neck. I dreamt of swatting it away, only to wake with an actual spider carcass on my hand. So, if you ever dream of a spider on your neck, you’d better check immediately.
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Keyphrase: Australian spider rain
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