The answer to our intimacy struggles felt straightforward. Our desires no longer aligned – a reality that shifted after having our two kids, born just 16 months apart. I’m not one to pretend things are fine when they’re not. If I’m not interested, sex feels like a chore. My partner often says, “I just want to be intimate with my wife. You’re my wife.”
You want exhilarating experiences? Go ahead; I’ll grant you a GREEN LIGHT. A “hall pass” to explore elsewhere. A round trip, a joyride – with someone else.
This notion had been simmering in my mind for years. It started when I began to feel guilty about not being intimate with my partner after the births of our children. I reasoned: We have a strong marriage, we communicate well, our kids are thriving, and I’m content – so why jeopardize it by withholding physical connection? If intimacy is that crucial, he could find it elsewhere.
Yet, it felt deeply unjust. Why does a sexless marriage equate to impending divorce? How can a lack of intimacy overshadow all the other beautiful aspects of our relationship? Why is it always about sex or nothing at all?
At this point, therapists would likely advise me to “just do it.” They’d say a healthy relationship hinges on intimacy and encourage me to “make an effort, even if you’re not feeling it.” The suggestion to “schedule sex” would surely follow.
I tried that, too. I’ve shared intimate moments with my partner even when I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly? It felt awful. A bit of wine helped, but the joy was missing. I even put on my sexy outfits and surprised him, pretending to be enthusiastic. I was faking it, acting just to avoid the label of “doomed to divorce.”
Now, let me clarify: my partner is not at fault here. When we do connect, it’s phenomenal. But the lack of intimacy bothers him, and it bothers me, too. Why can’t I feel that spark anymore? Why does my libido seem to have vanished? How could having kids change this part of me?
I even had my hormone levels checked, hoping to find an explanation. They came back normal.
I refuse to accept that romance is the sole foundation of a marriage. We have plenty of good things that sustain us as a couple and as a family while our romantic life takes a backseat. If our love life is on pause, does that mean we’re headed for disaster? Are we destined for divorce?
One evening, while sipping cocktails with my partner, I blurted it out. “I think you should sleep with someone else. Here’s a free pass. Just don’t tell me about it – just go.”
He looked shocked, his expression a mix of hurt and confusion. “You don’t love me anymore,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
I felt my throat tighten but managed to keep my composure. Didn’t he see? I was offering this because I do love him.
He looked genuinely heartbroken. “Have you thought about what could happen if I did that?”
I finally found my voice. “Yes, I’ve mulled over the consequences. I think it’s the only way to ensure we’re both happy. I’m under so much pressure to be the perfect wife who can juggle a hot sex life, cook dinner, ask about your day, and be a good mom—all while excelling at my job. It’s overwhelming. I can’t handle it.”
“I don’t pressure you,” he replied, and he’s right. He wouldn’t mind if I hired help around the house or ordered takeout each night. But he does drop hints about wanting intimacy, and it feels like if I truly loved him, I’d want to be physically close.
But I don’t see love and sex as interchangeable. No amount of psychological advice can change the reality of parenting. I love my partner, but my sexual drive has often taken a backseat.
My experience is not unique among parents of young kids. I’m utterly fatigued. I don’t need the extra stress of feeling obligated to maintain an immaculate sex life every night. Sometimes, all I crave is a good night’s sleep.
I can’t embrace scheduled intimacy, obligatory date nights, or the conventional therapy that so many recommend to couples facing intimacy issues. Those suggestions will go on my “how-not-to-save-my-marriage” list because adding more tasks will only exacerbate my stress.
My emotional and physical availability has shifted. There are countless reasons why I can’t be as romantic as I once was—kids, work, activities, and my own self-image struggles.
And I didn’t need therapy to realize any of this. Our marriage isn’t doomed. We’re not headed for divorce. Interestingly, my partner hasn’t taken my offer for a GREEN LIGHT. Can we just step away from the pressure of romance for a moment? Can we focus on raising our small, needy children without the weight of unrealistic expectations?
Of course, intimacy will return. The date nights will come back. The romance and passion will re-emerge. And if they don’t return for a year, or two, or even five, that’s okay.
I simply want to be a team, a family – and he shares that desire.
I wish the experts would stop feeding me advice on how to reclaim my relationship post-baby with a few “easy steps.” They talk about getting my body back, my career back, and I know I can’t. I’m not the same person I was before kids. The experience of raising a child changes you profoundly and irrevocably.
My body has changed, and my mental state has evolved. I don’t want to go back to my old job, and my marriage has transformed, too. We’re on a new path.
What matters is the friendship I hope to maintain with my partner long-term. Can I see myself with him at our kids’ soccer games, dance recitals, and graduations? Yes, I want to share those moments with him, and I know he feels the same.
At the moment, while my sex life may not be thriving, when the time comes for that to change, my partner will be ready, free pass in hand – for me.
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Summary
Navigating intimacy post-children can be a complex journey for couples. This article shares the experience of a woman who, feeling the pressures of motherhood, considered giving her partner a “free pass” for intimacy elsewhere. While grappling with the realities of their relationship and the changes brought on by parenthood, the author emphasizes the importance of friendship and partnership over traditional romantic expectations. Ultimately, the focus shifts to prioritizing their family bond while remaining open to the possibility of rekindling romance in the future.
Keyphrase: intimacy after kids
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