Pumping breast milk is a challenge that can feel both physically and emotionally draining. Who really wants to be tethered to a machine that awkwardly reshapes your breast into a plastic cone, slowly extracting your milk into tiny bottles? As Tina Fey succinctly put it, breast pumps are essentially “Williams-Sonoma Tit Juicers.”
Each pumping session can easily consume 20 to 30 minutes, and that’s not even counting the cleanup and storage time, which can add another 10 to 20 minutes. So there you are, dedicating almost an hour to a process that is supposed to support your child while trying to juggle other responsibilities—whether it’s meeting the needs of your little ones or managing work tasks. It’s a multitasking nightmare.
And please, whatever you do, do not spill your precious milk after a pumping session. I’ve done that in my sleep-deprived haze, and it’s enough to make you weep. It certainly can’t compare to the heartbreak my friend experienced when she found out her deep freezer had failed, leading to months’ worth of milk being wasted.
The lengths you’ll go to while pumping are truly remarkable. One day, my sister-in-law walked into my living room to find me on the couch, pumping while eating cereal with one leg, bouncing my fussy baby with the other, and reading to my eldest. I even devised a way to use my nursing bras to hold the pump cones, enabling me to grade papers and enjoy dinner at the same time. There was that one time I managed to plug the pump into one bathroom outlet while using a hair dryer and curling iron on the other—talk about a morning routine!
Sure, there are advanced breast pumps that allow you to move around while pumping, but those can cost a fortune—definitely a hit to your child’s college fund. Honestly, who has the energy to prepare meals or clean up while feeling like a zombie? You want to make sure your little ones are safe and maybe even teach them something while your partner is away at work. Just don’t overdo it on the caffeine; that’s a one-way ticket to breastfeeding Hell.
Pumping isn’t confined to the comfort of your home. I’ve pumped in bars, cars, and even while sitting on a shower chair—yes, I really have pumped everywhere! When you choose to breastfeed, privacy is a luxury that often eludes you. More often than not, you’ll find yourself pumping on the go.
Take pumping in the car, for example. I know several moms who have navigated busy highways while pumping. Personally, I never attempted that because I knew I’d end up covered in milk instead of in the containers. However, I did pump in the car while someone else drove. Once, on our way to a Girls’ Weekend, I felt unsure about how to keep my breast milk fresh, so I made the questionable decision to toss it out the window. Spoiler alert: it stuck to the car and baked into a gooey mess under the sun. A car wash was a must!
During that weekend, I had to carry my pump in a backpack to express my liquid gold and then dump it later since I was enjoying a few too many adult beverages. On the drive home, I became quite adept at pumping and dumping in rest stop bathrooms. It’s amazing how quickly you can adapt!
In the end, I realized that while pumping is a pain, it’s a small price to pay for the ability to nourish my children with my milk. After all, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard—though I’m not entirely sure what that means, so let’s just ignore that last line.
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In summary, pumping breast milk can be an exhausting and comical experience, but it’s a sacrifice that many mothers are willing to make for the health of their children.
Keyphrase: Pumping Breast Milk
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